meanderings

I haven't written in a bit. My emotions have been like a pendulum...swinging high and happy one hour then back to low and depressed the next hour. I can't figure it out but I know it has been difficult to live this way...especially at Christmas.

Speaking of Christmas, well, let's say this is the first time I can ever remember that I was looking forward to it being over. The gifts were scarce this year. Each of the kids had a few and a couple of them got the one thing they had asked for, but there were other things I so longed to purchase that I just could not...and for me, that was painful. To make things more difficult, these weren't things that were just whims for wants...they were needed things like reeds for instruments and books for study. DH and I exchanged no gifts at all...not even small stocking things. That was very depressing as well. By Christmas night I was teary-eyed and sad. I have already taken down the tree and the majority of the decorations. This is unusual for me but I felt no joy at having them remain up.

Miss Musicwriter has been home on break and this has been a source of pain as well. She actually does not like coming home very much and that cuts deeply. I understand her feelings and why she doesn't want to be here but that doesn't make it hurt any less. To make it more difficult, we have had no money at all so I can't even take her out and do things with her.

The whole money issue is overwhelming me to the point of tears and panic right now. We have a list of items that need to be paid and there is no way we will have the money to pay them. There are still school fees for Mr. Well-Rounded that I have not yet paid that will soon become an issue. There are bills that need to be taken care of and groceries that need to be bought. I cannot remember the last time the freezers were this empty. I took inventory today and we are down to 10 pounds of ground beef, a turkey and a spiral ham. That's it. I am hoping tonight to find some recipes that will be good for the ground beef...besides meatloaf which only DH and myself will eat.

So, 2009, I bid you farewell. You have not been good to me in most ways. In fact, when I look back, I can only find a few happy events but many, many sad ones. I no longer look forward to a new year...I am hoping that reverse psychology will work here--meaning, if I don;t look forward to it, then nothing bad will happen and maybe even some good things will come out of it.

Pondering Christmas

It is that time of year again. It has been for some time I guess. The time of year when television commercials turn to toys and luxury cars with big red bows on the top, of red and green M&M's and alcohol for party mixers. Sales abound at nearly every store. Some of the deals are very difficult to pass up. Yet, passed up they will be, at least by this blogger. Our financial woes have continued and maybe even worsened so there is preciosu little money for extras. While I never considered Christmas to be an "extra", Mr. Accountant does. I have avoided going out as much as possible since being in the stores and seeing all the Christmas stuff puts me in the mood to buy. Christmas for me is not about getting. Yes, when I was a younger child and teen, that was first and foremost on my mind. My mom made sure that every wish and whim was granted on that magical morning. I remember having so many presents piled under the tree for my brother and me that we had nowehere to even sit to open them all. I did the same thing for my kids; after all, it was all I knew. Even in past years of financial hardship, we always spent more on Christmas than we should and we always bought things that weren't necessarily needed. I justified it as being necessary--it was Christmas and kids need a big, magical day they would always remember. This year, though, there is no way to do this. There are no credit cards, no savings account, no 401k to borrow from. There is barely money to buy groceries. Of course our kids aren't little anymore. They should understand, and maybe they do (although I have my doubts), but I don't want to understand it. Even though I know Christmas isn't supposed to be about the gifts, it has always been and my heart is breaking that this year I cannot go out and buy and give.

Yet, in my sadness and sense of loss over what has always been my favorite season, I wonder if this is a lesson that God has been trying to teach me for a long time. Could it be that so many of my new blog-world friends are writing about simple, homemade Christmases by happenstance? Could it be God is showing me, again, that we are blessed beyond so many in this world. We have a home, we have heat (this comes in handy on this -7 degree day), we have two running automobiles--not new by any means, but running. Mr. Accountant has a job this Christmas. We have food and hopefully will be able to have a special holiday meal. We will all be together this Christmas (assuming Miss Musicwriter does not get stuck at school due to weather). In fact, when I asked the kids at home still what they wanted for Christmas, Mr. Well Rounded said the only thing he wants is for Miss Musicwriter to be home and not stuck at school. That made me feel warm and fuzzy--for a little bit anyway. Then the commercials and advertisements online and in my e-mail box came again, jarring me back to harsh reality. Would they really be happy with a simple Christmas? Maybe I should say WILL they be? Because, most likely, that is what we are going to end up with despite my not being very happy about it.

A Fork in the Road

I have reached a fork in the road. I have been here before of this I am sure. Perhaps my wanderings have not gotten me further down the path at all, but rather, I fear I have been wandering in a large circle getting nowhere in my journey. If history is any indication, this fork will be problematic for me. I have chosen the wrong way again and again. Perhaps that is why I am stuck wandering in the same place. The problem is, I don't seem to remember which ways I have walked so as not to walk them again. I know that one path will lead to sure destruction, for I have chosen that path before. I have the scars to prove this fact. Did I miss something somewhere? A sign that would point me in the right direction? A detour that I should have taken and did not? This journey is frustrating me, for perhaps, this is a different fork in a different road. I guess it matters not where it is, but it matters very much which way I decide to go. My red flags of warning have already been raised within my spirit and now I have to choose to listen to them. If I make this choice, I am left wondering if God even sees, let alone cares, about me. I have lived this way for so long perhaps I am used to it. Yet, I now find myself questioning why God chooses to turn his back on me over and over again. He no longer answers prayers that I cry from my lips. I no longer sense his presence in any aspect of my life. There has been hurt after hurt and disappointment after disappointment for what seems like an eternity. I have heard that if God seems far away that he is not the one that moved. I disagree. I have been seeking and searching earmestly for the last two months and I am still stuck in thick mud and mire. Hence my fork in the road. I know I now need to make a choice. I can choose to continue the path I believe to be the right one and hope that at some point God shows himself to me and lets me know he is there with me. I can also choose to give up this frustrating search for God in my life. To say, along with so many others, that God cares not for me or my troubles and that the idea of a loving God is a nice one to think about but it just isn't true. I am scared of the choice I may make. I feel like I lose either way.

not getting it

I am defnitely not getting it. The "it" I am referring to is whatever lesson God is trying to teach me in this season. I have submitted to Him in as much as I know for sure what He has asked of me. I homeschool a child who is very difficult to teach. I homeschooled another who was the same way. I homeschooled the middle two when it became clear that their bright minds and love of learning was being squelched. I have given the desire for a new vehicle to God and today even found myself thanking Him for the old van I drive. I stay home as much as possible so as not to spend money we shouldn't. I prepare meals--a chore I am not very fond of at all. Why, then, has God still forsaken us in this area? Why do we never have enough to cover the things that need to be paid? To buy groceries? To get birthday gifts or Christmas gifts? To cover the cost of school fees for activities? Why has God chosen to make us miserable in this area over and over again? Could he possibly be telling me that I shouldn't be homeschooling this daughter? Should she be in school and I at a job? How would that even work then? I am frustrated beyond all belief. I feel abandoned by God, yet somewhere deep within me I know that is just a feeling and should not be trusted. I feel so alone as well...I cannot give into these feelings.

reminder?

Lord,
Remind me again why I homeschool? I truly believe for this child you have called me to do this. She struggles to learn, Lord, and I am afraid if I put her in public school she would be one of those students who fall through the cracks...not "bad" enough to attract the attention of a teacher but not "good" enough to get the grades she desperately wants to get.

I also am inclined to think that she would become like those around her to gain favor with her peers. I have seen this even at home with the few friends she has had. Sometimes, her social pendulum swings entirely in the opposite direction and she refuses to be sympathetic to activities that her friends wish to do, even those activities which are acceptable. She certainly likes her own space quite often.

I enjoy those days when she is into what we are learning or discussing. I remember fondly the day we walked to Holiday and talked the entire way there and back about modest dress and modest living that pleases You. On that day, my heart was overflowing with joy that she is home to have those conversations and that I am the one to influence those decisions.

But other days, Lord, like yesterday and today, when the tears flow or the attitude kicks in, I wonder if I am doing the right thing. She is easily frustrated, especially with math and the Algebra 1 we are trying to work through right now. In my heart I too sometimes wonder why we spend our time on this subject. I doubt she will ever use it unless she decides to homeschool her own children someday. By then, her brain will be more developed and chances are she will "get it". That is what happened to me. I struggled with Algebra in high school and never used it again until we were called by You to homeschool. First, Mr. Gameboy, the following year Miss Bookworm herself and then Miss Musicwriter and Mr. Well Rounded. I have taught Algebra 3 times now and am attempting to plow through it this year for the last time.

But this is taxing, Lord. The tears and the frustration and the shutting down really get to me. I love her, Lord. I know she is a blessing from you. But Homeschooling is difficult most days.

I guess your ministry was difficult most days as well though. Crowds followed you everywhere and one day they loved you; the next day they turned on you. That is how I sometimes feel, Lord...like I am being turned against by my child. If You can suffer for your calling, then I can suffer for mine as well. At least mine will not end in an agonizing death--at least I don't think it will!

Thank you Lord, for speaking to me as I type this letter to you. Thank you for the reminder in my spirit that Miss Bookworm is a gift from you and that You have a perfect plan for her life. I don't know how homeschooling and Algebra fit into your plan, Lord, but I am called to continue this journey we started 6 years ago. Forgive me for relying on my own strength to see me through and help me to rely on yours alone.

Simple Woman's Daybook

November 9th
FOR TODAY... from Becky's Daybook

Outside my window... a chilly but sunny autumn morning

I am thinking... how much I miss my sweet daughter away at college

I am thankful for... a new week and feelings mended after an issue last evening

I am wearing... jeans, t-shirt and zip up jacket...am really feeling God nudging my heart in this area but I am definitely confused

I am remembering... Thanksgiving days from my childhood and the sweet, sweet memories they bring

I am going... to pick Miss Bookworm up from choir soon and then to her voice lesson this afternoon; maybe the health food store to search for natural remedies to Mr. Well Rounded's acne issue that is really getting to him.

I am reading... my Bible (Psalms at the moment); The Shaker's Cookbook; Set Apart Femininity; A Call to Die 40 day study

I am hoping... to start a walking program today

On my mind... the families of 4 caringbridge sites I follow whose dear children have lost their battles with cancer

From the learning rooms... frustration as I desperately ask God how to school this very different youngest child

Noticing that... there wasn't much color to autumn this year

Pondering these words... none specific right now...lots of thoughts in my head today

From the kitchen... another frustrating area for me...seems no matter what I plan or make someone complains or plans change and it doesn't work.

Around the house... finishing laundry from the weekend

One of my favorite things~ the peace of the mornings when the two are gone to school..even if only for 90 minutes until one comes home

From my picture journal...Mr Well Rounded and Miss Bookworm the day they were baptized

For more daybooks visit Peggy at www.thesimplewoman.blogspot.com

Three down--one to go

Today my little boy became an officially licensed driver. It hit me after I let him take the car for his first solo drive that this has been a year of changes. Miss Musicwriter got her license in April, went off to college in August and Mr. Well Rounded got his license today. No wonder I feel so stressed. Lots of changes this year, and, if you have read any of my previous entries, I am not a fan of change and tend to not handle it well. Regardless, though, they come. It was not as difficult letting him drive solo as it was when Mr. Gameboy got his license. I remember being so scared that he would get into an accident. While I still worry, it is a mother's privilege I tell them, I now realize that all my worry does not have any affect on what happens. God is ultimately the One in control and it was nice tonight being able to spend the evening at home instead of having to drive and pick up from church. Miss Bookworm has been chomping at the bit for me to let her drive. I look at her and know that her time will be here all too soon. But for now, though, I try to keep her young enough to still need me...young enough to be home with me. For when her day comes to get a license, my role diminishes to almost nill. I am definitely NOT looking forward to that! Regardless, congratulations Mr. Well Rounded. Be careful and know I love you!

goodbyes are hard

Miss Musicwriter went back to college tonight. She had been home since last Friday night. I can't begin to put in words how nice it was to have all the chicks in the nest once again if even for a short time. I knew I would be sad when the time came to drop her off at the carpool that would take her back to campus, away from me once again. Four weeks and a day and Thanksgiving break will be here and I will get to see her again. What is so bothersome to me is I spent so much of her youngest years wishing for the next stage: I can't wait until she sleeps through the night, I can't wait until she walks by herself, I can't wait until she can ride a bike, I can't wait until she goes to school, I can't wait...the list goes on. Suddenly, all my can't waits came true and I find myself wishing for so many of those days back. But it is not possible to reverse the passage of time. I cherish those memories of her youth and attempt to accept that change is inevitable and growing up has to take place. Then I thank God for allowing me to have her, for making her my best friend, and for the fact that she is able to attend college at all. I have much to be thankful for I know. Yet, I still can't help but start a countdown of days until she comes home again!

reaping

There is so much going on in my life right now. I am feeling the need to step back...to pull away from life for a bit and to organize my thoughts and priorities. Unfortunately, I cannot do this. I still have a family who cannot function on their own. I don't get this. I am my parents' youngest child. By the time I was fourtenn, the age of my youngest child now, I was able to do things for myself. I did not need reminding to do homework and actually turn it in, to fix a lunch if I was hungry, or the host of other things it seems my children cannot do for themselves. In fact, the most dependent soul my mom had to deal with was my dad. He was, it seemed, unable to do the easiest things for himself. My husband is a lot like this as well, but I have the addition of 3 kids (Miss Musicwriter is away at college), a dog and a cat. Sometimes the demands on me get so overwhelming, especially when someone needs to yell at someone else and I am always the one chosen...regardless if I had anything to do with it or not. At times like this, and this is one of them, discouragement runs very high. I want so badly to run away and just be by myself for a while. Oh, but I cannot. I need to stay and tend to this dependent group that I have created. Maybe that is what is really bothering me---I have created this mess myself by indulging them their whole lives. I guess I am reaping what I have sown in many ways. In the meantime, I count my blessings that they are healthy and intelligent enough to someday learn that it isn't all about them...yes, even my husband could stand to learn this lesson. Soon, I hope. I never said patience was my gift.

mediocrity

As I spend more time reflecting on things of God and looking around me for examples of Him, I am finding myself bothered more and more with the mediocrity of Christians around me. As my eyes are opened to the world around me and I see how Christians, especially young people, are acting, dressing, talking and striving to fit in with their non-Christian peers, I find myself getting more and more frustrated with the mediocre and lukewarm attitudes and actions that pervade the Christian community today. One book I highly recommend is Crazy Love by Francis Chan. This book was the catalyst that began to open my eyes to the laid back lifestyle that Christians today live. I am on a search for a different life--a life truly set apart for God. What will that radical change look like in my life? I am not sure myself yet, but I know that God has me on a canvas and he is transforming the picture even as I type. I am excited to see the finished portrait!

blogging again

It has been a very busy fall season, but for the most part I have enjoyed it. I was feeling a little apple deprived since we haven't had much money to spend on such things. Then, a friend of mine told me of a friend she has who has apple trees on her property. She was willing to allow us to pick as many as we wanted for free. Beth, another friend of hers and myself spent a couple hours on a beautiful fall afternoon picking lots of apples. I estimate I got about 4 bushels of apples...maybe more. Miss Bookworm and I have spent a few days turning many of them into applesauce and I have also frozen 4 pies to bake later in the winter when fresh apples are unavailable. A dear friend of mine had a health scare this past week. I am so thankful to God for sparing her life. She is now home after some brain surgery and is doing amazingly well. Praise God for that! Our vehicke woes continue. We just had to put four tires on the car after Dave blew a tire one night coming home. Now, the brakes are squealing on the van...no, not just squealing, grinding loudly. My dear freind above has a husband who is mechanically inclined and he is going to look at it for us today. Again, an answer to prayer. I am starting to see that God is everywhere around me. I have always focused on the problems instead of on God and with His help, I am trying to change that. I have so much to be thankful for and I am ashamed that for so long I have taken these things for granted and whined like a spoiled brat. Forgive me Lord. In this, my favorite time of year, I plan to focus on the good things I have in my life and strive to build treasures in heaven.

Drivers, start your engines!

No, not race car driving...life racing! It seems like every year by late July I am so ready for school to start. I guess I forget how extremely crazy these days get with all the driving back and forth to various places. I do enjoy fall and the cooler weather and especially apple season, but I am not a big fan of the driving kids to and from school, church, activities and the like. I catch myself thinking that in _________ number of years I will not have kids to transport, or subjects to teach, or asmuch laundry to do, or whatever the activity/chore may be. I know I will miss these days...I already find myself wishing back those busy, high energy days gone by. Last evening, Mr. Accountant and I went to an apple orchard. There are very few orchards in our area of this state that grow Macintosh apples. These apples happen to be the favorite of everyone in this house. This particular orchard is one we frequented every weekend when our kids were all under 12 years old. I remember playing on the hay stack, taking a wagon ride, walking the wooded trail, picking apples and buying cool things from the store and snack barn. I always wanted to live in a setting like that. We stopped patronizing this orchard when they began charging simply to walk onto the grounds. While we certainly expected to pay for merchandise, fruit and wagon rides, we disagreed with paying just to walk around a trail or play on the hay, especially since we always bought something while we were there. They currently charge only on the weekends so last night we made the drive there to get freshly picked Macintosh apples, compliments of Mr. Gameboy. The memories flooded as soon as we made the turn onto the country road and into the property. Strangely, though, the haystack didn't look as big as it did years ago, the trail seemed more full of mosquitos then fun, and we probably would have looked ridiculous climbing onto a hay wagon for a ride. Time has a way of changing things that once were so familiar, but my memories are always the same...boys and girls in jeans and workboots, climbing a haystack and daring mommy to throw them off. Now, Miss Musicwriter is not even living at home, and while she loves her dorm room, I miss her tremendously. Mr. Gameboy works two jobs and has no time for hay climbing. Mr. Well Rounded is busier than I can keep up with and lately has also been quite moody and disrespectful. Miss Bookworm, well, she has grown up beyond going anywhere with us that doesn't involve taking her to a friend's house. Yet, despite the fact that all of them have grown, they still expect so much of me. I guess it is what the role of mom is made of. Now, off to work on school subjects with Miss Bookworm before taking her back to the high school for musical auditions...then pick her and Mr. Well Rounded up for a quick dinner and then to church for youth group. Let the race begin.

curve balls and other flying objects

The injection went well. As I thought, it was not as painful as the last set but nonetheless, it triggered some back pain during the actual injection which was somewhat distressing. The spinal headache that hit afterwards was awful as well as the electric type shock pain down my right hip. The facial flushing that hit the next day was embarrassing but not painful. All in all, though, it was bearable. The jury is still out as to if it helped or not. I fill out a weekly response form on Thursday. Saturday and Sunday I felt like it may actually help but then last night when I got into bed, I was inpain again. Today has been off and on pain wise. Of course, the physical back pain would be more welcome then the financial pain that hit today...the curve ball. Long story short is that we have $95 for the next two weeks to live on after a garnishment hit Mr. Accountant's paycheck today as well as some overdraft fees we messed up on. I am sick of living this life like this andknow that we need to make changes. I am willing to do so...it is he and the offspring who are not quite so ready. Our kids want to live like a two income family when we are not that. It is going to mean serious cutbacks which no one is going to be happy about, especially Mr. Well Rounded who thinks he should get to do all he wants to do and not have a job because he is too busy. He is busy and I agree that most places would probably not work around his schedule...but then he has to settle for not being involved in everything under the sun. It hurts to tell him that though. As a parent I want to give him these things and let him be a kid. But it just isn't possible. I hate that, especially when others seem to get everything without any issues. Oh well, I have shed my quota of tears for today. Unemployment this year and getting Miss Musicwriter off to college really took a toll on our finances and now we pay a high price. Again.

Tomorrow is the day

Tomorrow is the day I get my epidural steroid injection. The actual procedure doesn't sound as bad as the last diagnostic procedure I went through...not as many needle pokes at least. I am nervous for sure. I just wish there was a fix for my back. There is not, though. Joint damage is not repairable, especially once arthritis has set in. The more I think about it, though, the more I realize I can live with this. It is just pain, and while pain is not something I enjoy (I am not one of those people!), it is something I can lean on God to help me with. There are some things that I have realized, would be much worse. Losing one of my children would be much more devastating than living with pain; losing my husband would as well. Losing my freedom to homeschool Miss Bookworm would be unbearable to me. Losing the awesome relationship I have with Miss Musicwriter even while she is away at college would be much more painful than a bad back. Having Mr. Well Rounded turn his back on God would devastate me. Losing the freedom to pray and read my Bible would be a horrendous experience. Yes, I would say I am pretty lucky actually--lucky to live (for now at least) in a country where I am free to worship, pray, read and memorize God's word, homeschool and live simply on one income. Thank you God for placing me in this country, in this place for such a time as this.

no better

The aforementioned injections were painful...pain second only to that of childbirth for me. I have had several severe lacerations, a few broken bones, sprains and the like but these injections were excruciating. The frustrating thing now is that the diagnostic injections I received did not give the results the doctor had hoped for so I do not qualify for the next step he wanted to take. Part of that does not bother me at all...the next step involved burning the nerve endings in my back so my brain would not get the pain message. This just sounds like something that should not be done. Instead, the doctor wants to go forward with an epidural steroid injection. This may give me 3 months of pain relief when I will need to have another. The cycle continues basically the rest of my life. I really do not consider this a solution. I do not have the time, every 3 months, to go in for injections and then rest 12-24 hours afterwards. I cannot drive for this procedure either, which also poses a problem. My husband is not able (or maybe willing) to take off for this. That means I need to rely on a friend since my daughter is now off living in her dorm at college and my son works daily at the apple orchard. I also homeschool Miss Bookworm and cannot afford to lose days to resting from an injection that may or may not help anyway. Frustration is building with this back issue. Pain is constant and getting worse and there is basically no cure for the joint damage. That in itself is hard enough but moving Miss Musicwriter to college has also got me down. I miss her SO much...I feel like I lost my best friend. She is loving it though and for that I am thankful.

fear

Tonight I am scared...and nervous. Tomorrow afternoon I will be visiting the back institute and getting injections in my lower back. These will determine if I am a candidate for the next step procedure which entails the burning of the nerve endings so I no longer feel the pain that will still be occurring in my back. I am not a fan of needles and am admittedly scared to death. To add to my stress, Mr. Auditor cannot go with me due to a conference he needs to be at. Thankfully, my wonderful daughter, Miss Musicwriter, will be going. But still, I wish my husband was coming as well. I tend to try to be strong for my kids and it will be difficult to be so if I am in great pain. I will be glad when this is over with.

Five Days at the County Fair

Weather: Wednesday--sunny, hot and humid with temperatures at 89*
Thursday--sunny, hot and humid with temperatures at 90*
Friday--sunny, hot and humid with temperatures at 94*
Saturday--cloudy and pouring down rain with the same expected on Sunday
Five days at the county fair left me, the Queen of hate the heat, wondering if maybe heat is better than rain! Of course I am joking...I would much rather rain than dreadful, dead, hot air. None of the buildings at the county fair are air conditioned except for the 4-H foodstand, and in there, with the grills going all the time, you can't feel the air conditioning at all. At least any building will give shelter from rain. Regardless of the weather, though, the county fair has been fun--exhausting, but fun. Miss Bookworm is performing in the 4-H county fair arts in. The theme this year is 4-H on Broadway. She has had a ton of fun and I am so proud of her for participating. Her participation required an overnight stay at the fairgrounds last weekend. She knew no one else who was in the show, yet she signed up and went on her own. For her, that is a huge step! She also auditioned for several parts, including the lead. She did not get the lead, but she did get a duet with another girl. They sing "Sisters" from the movie "White Christmas". All together they will perform the show 12 times in the 5 day run of the fair. In between shows, I have thoroughly enjoyed spending time with the animals who are there. I have loved and spent time with goats, sheep, rabbits, horses, llamas, donkeys, a baby zebra (yes, a zebra!), deer, a wallaby, calves and chickens. The sheep and goats are my favorite of course, but a friend of ours has a horse there named Candy who I am quite partial to as well. Although I believe I may have gained 10 pounds this week, I wouldn't trade the days there for anything. My heart swells with pride when I see Miss Bookworm on stage loving that element and spending time with her has been so nice. We are so very different--Miss Musicwriter and myself are quite similar--so I sometimes wonder if she knows how much I love her. All in all I am exhausted, sore, and extremely proud all at the same time.

What a day of rejoicing!

Today my two youngest children, Mr. Well Rounded and Miss Bookowrm, were baptized in the local lake. It was a step they both felt called to do after spending a week at Lone Tree Bible Ranch in Wyoming. This camp was not cheap, especially for a family whose sole breadwinner was out of work for four moths this year. To send one student would have been difficult enough--to send both seemed imnpossible. Yet, with a little bit of fundraising and a lot of prayer, we came up with the almost $1000 to send two kids to camp. It was worth every cent we paid! The kids came back excited for their walk with God, cemented in their relationship with Him and a willingness to follow wherever God might lead them. This included the waters of baptism in the lake. For Mr. Well Rounded it also led to a final decision on hs future. For a few years he has felt that God was leading him to teach somehow. He assumed that meant being a high school english teacher. After Lone Tree he believes that God has made it clear--his calling is to be a pastor. After the many hurts to my heart, this news came as a welcome salve. He is looking into colleges and, for now, has narrowed it down to two--Moody Bible Institute and Northwestern College in St. Paul. This has truly been a day of rejoicing!

The joys of motherhood

Is motherhood a joy? I have pondered this question the last few days as I have watched moms with little children play in the park by the lake. These children laugh and giggle as mommy chases them through the playground equipment but cannot catch them because she is too big to fit in the tunnels. It certainly appears to be a joy. But what does the future hold? That child will continue to grow and in the blink of an eye will soon have friends who are suddenly more important to be around then mom. Soon that child will have a driver's license and will be baffled as to why mom is worried when she is 20 minutes late for curfew. That child will graduate high school and maybe choose a college where she will move and live most of the year. A roommate as well as all new experiences will be had by her as she begins a new chapter of her life. Eventually that child may marry and start her own family and mom will be someone she calls for advice or when she has the time to chat. In between all these experiences and changes will come joys for sure...the joy of watching her graduate, walk down the aisle, be a mom. There will also be hurts...these are unavoidable as she tests her wings. When your child hurts, a momma's heart hurts as well. I have experienced this cruel reality especially these past two weeks. To be a mom is to wear your heart on your sleeve and allow the risk of it being stabbed. I don't always like this part of motherhood. Many times my heart has been stabbed yet I keep it out there out of love for my kids. When all is said and done, I wouldn't trade the joys of motherhood just to miss out on the hurts. It would be like chopping down a rose bush because it had thorns. I will continue to enjoy my children even when they are no longer children and deal with the hurts that come along with their mistakes and failures.

Crazy summertime

Wow. Summer is more than half over for us. I can't say that I am sad. I am ready to get back to routine and get Miss Bookworm back into a routine as well. The biggest issue, as usual in July/August, is where the money is going to come from to get the homeschooling stuff we need. I pretty much have my list of what materials we are going to use. Miss Bookworm will be home for all subjects but choir the first two quarters. She will be going to choir first block at the high school every other day. The second semester she will continue choir and add Stage Acting I and II to her schedule. I think this will be a nice reintroduction to school...non-academic classes and something she is very interested in. Having her at school for two blocks will take a huge chunck out of our day so we will need to be very disciplined in the beginning of the year to not get behind (like we did last year). The beginning of the year will be so different this year as Mr. Well Rounded has announced that he will not be playing varsity soccer. This season usually starts in mid-August with 4 hour morning practices. I have driven someone to "hell weeks" (the first two weeks of practice) for the last 5 years. This August I will not have to. He is planning on doing the fall musical at school (we do not know what it will be yet) and he doesn't want soccer to deter him from getting a good part. I believe he is also just tired of the politics and boys he plays with. Also making for a strange fall will be Miss Musicwriter's departure for college. She moves into her dorm August 30th. She is very excited to get there and start a new chapter in her life. I can't say as I blame her with the way her so-called friends have treated her this summer. She is ready to be done with the immaturity of these and meet some new friends in college. Mr. Gameboy will be working at the apple orchard again. He loves working there and will continue his other job at Target as well. Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same.

counting blessings...again

---When upon life billows you are tempest tossed...

Yeah, life can be a tempest for sure.

---When you are discouraged thinking all is lost...

Hmmm, can definitely say I have been there.

---Count your many blessings every doubt will fly...

Well, maybe not every doubt but it certainly is something I am learning these days. Counting my blessings is not always easy. Sometimes I tend to lose sight of what should be considered blessings. I think of the material things I don't have and think I am missing out on blessings. The reality is I am blessed. Right now a dear friend's husband is in the hospital for at least the 8th time in the last year. Last summer he almost died in surgery. Since then, he has had complication after complication. Yesterday he had to be taken back to the emergency room. No matter what they give him, something keeps recurring causing high fevers and other unpleasant things. Regardless, this family has been through a lot in the last year or so. Discouragement is setting in and they are wondering if there is healing in sight for him this side of heaven. When I am tempted to whine about a vehicle that is less than wonderful or an unexpected duty that arises with one of my four teens, I instead pray for my friend and his family. I know God uses all things for His glory. I also know that He is the ultimate Physician. I will continue to count my blessings as well as continue to pray for those who are hurting or in pain or are facing difficult circumstances.

Was I one of the lunatics?

I spent a good part of yesterday watching young people, ranging in age from 13-17, play soccer. None of my own children were participating. Although my daughter's team was playing, she was at a parade with marching band. My husband was reffing this tournament and was scheduled non-stop on games from 8-6. In between sitting in the car, driving around the area, and spending time in the hotel we were planning to stay at, I caught a good part of several games. Now, I have been a "soccermom" since my now 19 year old son was 5. Three out of my four children have been serious soccer players with the fourth participating recreationally for a few years. I have coached many of their teams over the years as well. I played soccer through my freshmen year of college when a combination of injury and classes forced me to stop. All this to say that I at one time had a passion for this game...did you catch that? Game. It IS a GAME. Games are supposed to be fun. When I was small, my brother and I would play a game when we were bored on a winter afternoon. We did this to have fun. Whether it wasa long game of Monopoly or a shorter game of Life, we enjoyed this pasttime. The word game in and of itself has the connotation of something that is done for fun. My time at the field yesterday, though, saw little fun being had.I saw boys and girls with faces that held looks ready to kill. I heard 17 year old boys whining to a referee that something done to them was grossly unfair and should have been called. I saw girls shoving other girls in the back in order to take the ball away. I saw deliberate trips and heard lots of language that if I had used at those ages would have abruptly earned me a soapy mouth. But the players were not the only ones carrying on. Parents on the sidelines were shouting as ten year olds might when fighting about whose dad is stronger. Adults yeling at referees about a perceived foul; adults yelling at their kids to play harder; adults encouraging retaliation since "the jerk isn't calling anything anyways". I wonder--in the prime of my motherhood years, when my children were younger and playing competitively, did I sound like this? My fear is I did. I am, afterall, a very competitive person. I perceive fairness and its opposite and I take it very seriously. I was also young. Now that I am older and, I believe, wiser, I realize that these matches are simply a game--a game that promotes exercise and teamwork and should promote respect for others regardless of the outcome at the end. I think this lesson has been lost over the years. Clubs are pushing PACT training. This is Parents And Coaches Together. This is supposed to help teach the PARENTS how to behave on the sidelines. I don't ever remember my parents needing to attend such a session to teach them how to behave like adults. If my team won, I was congratulated by my dad. If we lost, I was told it is only a game and there will be many more. My dad did not try to sign me up for camps and spend lots of money on training. Afterall, it was just a game, something I did because I loved it and had fun doing it. I fear the fun has been taken out of youth sports. Now there is pressure to be better to earn the coveted--and rare--sports scholarship. I feel badly that I may have been one of those parents who put too much emphasis on the outcome and not enough on just having fun. No wonder teens are dropping out of sports and activities. Adults have taken the fun of the game away from them.

He made it!!!

HE MADE IT!!

Last week Mr. Well Rounded auditioned for the highest choir in his high school. It is a VERY selective group made up of only juniors and seniors. As far as males are concerned, they are losing 6 seniors with one current junior remaining; but, at least 10 males of varying voices tried out for those 6 spots. He had a feeling he would not make it since he splits his time between choir and band...the director kind of told him that although he has been one of his most serious students this year, he was always playing catch-up because he had to be in band every other day. We told him he could quit band (although we just bought the new wooden clarinet last year!) but he doesn't want to. He joined choir this year because he did not like the varsity band director, but next year for concert band, he will once again have an amazing conductor. What he wasn't counting on, though, was how much he would end up enjoying choir. He even asked for summer vocal lessons to help continue his growth.

Going to school this morning, he was nervous. The call back list would be posted sometime today. The director said if you are on that list, you made a group (there are two groups for females). He texted me a few minutes ago to tell me he made it! I am so happy for him. I see how hard he is working and how much he wanted this. I also know God has gifted him with a beautiful voice. He already leads worship for both middle and high school youth groups. I am so thankful he sees his talent as a gift from God and is using it to His glory. Am I a proud momma right now? You betcha!

Everyday life once again

It has certainly been a strange springtime here in Minnesota. I am concerned that our severe lack of rain will adversely affect the apple crop this fall. That will be bad for Mr. Gameboy's annual job at the apple orchard. Last year, his season did not end until mid-November. The year before that he as done the second week of October. This is shaping up to be an October-ending season. Yesterday's high was 97* and today so far it is 95*. Way too hot for May. The wind is ridiculous as well today. Gusts have been 50 mph. Miss Bookworm and I spent some time at the lake today. The waves were amazing! I am close to finishing Do Hard Things by the Harris twins. I am trying to figure out a way to get the kids to read this book over the summer. There are so many gems in that book. Beyond this, life has been just orinary and busy. I like this for a change. Our young friend has been staying at home as far as I know. He is back to riding the bus to school which has made Mr. Well Rounded very happy because he is now able to drive to school in the morning again. It is nice to have things back to "normal" around here. School is done for Miss Bookworm and me and only 10 more schooldays for Mr. Well Rounded. I am ready for summer break to start for all of us. A scattered post for sure but for once it is nice to only blog about everyday things and not problems or catastrophes.

revelations

No, not the book of the Bible Revelations...a small "r" on purpose. I have had some revelations today. It is a gorgeous spring day in Central Minnesota today. As I type this entry, it is 75*, sunny with a few clouds, and breezy. The breeze is keeping the house cool enough to bake chocolate chip cookies this afternoon. I sat outside on the deck today to eat my lunch of last night's leftovers. There was a red-headed woodpecker in the tree making a beautiful racket, a red winged blackbird sitting on the dog kennel singing beautifully, and a chipmunk scurrying about collecting food the squirrels had dropped. For just a short while, I didn't hear the traffic out front, or trains going by or Zach's music playing from inside the house. I was lost in nature. I thought how awesome God had made this world for us and how little we often stop to take it all in. Then I thought of the last few days with Mr. Well Rounded's friend. The stress, worry, anxiety tried to break through again. That is when I had my revelation. If it were not for the things in this life that bother, hurt, worry, stress, and all out tax me, I would easily fall in love with this world. I would easily seek to gather all the "stuff" I could so I could be like others in my life--drive a nice vehicle, wear name brand clothes, eat out most nights for dinner, buy my kids the things they want but do not necessarily need--all things even many of my Christian friends around me do. How often have I heard the lament from my oldest daughter that someone's parent bought THEM a car...why won't you buy me one? I know if I could I would buy her a nicer one than someone else had just so she would look as good as others, but what would that be teaching her-- to fall in love with the things of this world. When we die or Christ returns, whichever comes first, those things will be left behind for the looters to take. They will not be necessary in our real home. Perhaps this is why God sends trials and troubles into our lives...to keep us from falling in love with this temporary dwelling. So, while I am here, I will try to enjoy the gifts given to me...those that cost money as well as those that are free from God--birds, waterfalls, flowers, growing vegetables, rain, sun--and remember that even better things await me when I reach my final destination.

a better night

Thankfully, last night was a much better night than the previous one. Mr. Well Rounded is exhausted for sure, but there wasn't any arguing or talking about death as there had been. His mom is supposed to come home today. I know the young man is not looking forward to going home--he told that to both Mr. Well Rounded and Miss Musicwriter, but I know his mom will be happy to see him. I think it will be the first time Mr. Well Rounded has slept in his own room in quite some time. While his friend is here, they sleep in our family room. I know God cares abdout this young man and I know He has a plan for his life. If he did not, He would not have created him. I am not sure where we fit into that plan except to be a support system for him. In doing that, though, I need to watch the emotional health of my own son. That is the line I am having trouble walking. How do I protect my own son without turning my back on this young man? I pray God shows me the way.

demons in a life

Life has been a difficult row to hoe the last few months. My 16 year old son's friend has been staying with us on and off because of problems at home. If this were the extent of it, I would be just fine. Adding one more teen to the mix in this house would be nothing to me. The issue is, it isn't just adding a teen whose home life stinks; this boy has some serious issues he brings with him. He is convinced that there is a demon telling him to kill himself. Apparently, the demon has now told him if he doesn't take his own life, the demon will kill 4 of his friends (my son being one of them). Now, I believe in the existence of demons. Jesus dealt with demons in the New Testament and I believe Satan uses his demons to attack Christians today. I also believe, though, that Jesus is more powerful than any demon we may encounter. Last night, as I tried to explain this to this young man (who is a child of God) my heart was breaking for his pain. He just isn't thinking straight and does not see any hope for his future. He has seen a Dr as recent as last week. The Dr held him in the hospital for a few hours on suicide watch and then released him...no medications. I was appalled at the level of his depression that he was not put on medicine. My son is overwhelmed at this point. He did not know how deep this was going to get when he got involved. He was crying last night as well saying he couldn;t take this anymore. I need to watch out for my own son but cannot turn my back on this young man either. I am riding an emotional roller coaster that is a living hell. I want to get off but the ride won't stop. I have prayed and prayed for deliverance for this young man but so far to no avail. One minute he seems happy and fine--the next minute he is ready to take his life. His moods are unpredictable and although he has always been honest and respectful with my husband and me, it is wearing me down. I have used all resources that I know of and so far have come up empty. This seems so unfair yet I know God has a plan. I continue to trust, even if that trust is weak right now.

a journey with depression

I think I am finally over this last bout of depression. This one was tough, very tough. There were times I seriously wondered if I would make it through. Depression is my thorn. It has been a friend of mine since I was a teenager. It is a friend I never asked for nor wanted but it kept my acquaintance anyway. Through the years, I have tried many things to rid my life of this thorn. Alcohol was expensive and did not work--oh, I felt amazing when I was full of that spirit, but once the spirits wore off, I was back to feeling depressed. And it hurt my family. Suicide, obviously since I am still here, didn't work. All that did was land me in an ambulance to a hospital. It also hurt my family. Various medications have worked on and off but the side effects are not desirable to me. What finally did help was the one Spirit who I ignored for much of my life. Once He got a hold of me, I started to learn a bit about the ways of the devil and how the devil uses discouragement to eat away at me. I allowed him to do this for so long. I still battle this thorn, and some battles are more intense than others. This last one lasted about 8 days and was intense, yet, I knew I would be okay. Deep down I knew I would come out the other side. I did. Sometimes I didn't want to, but God had other plans. My continued prayer is that this thorn would be removed from me, but if that is not to be, then the prayer becomes that I would be given the grace to deal with it as it rears its ugly head. God told Isaiah that He would be with the Israelites when they walked THROUGH the water..they would not drown, and when they walked THROUGH the fire they would not get burned. Depression is my water and my fire and I trust God that I will not drown or burn in the midst of it, but that He will see me safely to the other side.

Simple Woman's Daybook

For Today... April 6th

Outside my window... sunshine but a cold wind making the windchill 28*

I am thinking... about the last few months of school and what needs to be accomplished

From the learning rooms... geometry; The Great Depression; the human body; research paper

I am thankful for... sunshine and the time to bake today

From the kitchen... baking cookies; not sure about dinner yet

I am wearing... jeans; tennis shoes; warm NIU hoodie

I am reading... Godless by Ann Coulter; a good read but needs to be read slowly

I am hoping... the seeds we planted indoors today will sprout

I am creating... a comfy home for my family

I am hearing... Miss Bookworm rocking waiting for me to finish up on the computer

Around the house... laundry as always; kitchen duty; could use a vacuuming too

One of my favorite things... accomplishing schoolwork without tears

A few plans for the rest of the week... driving to and from play rehearsal for Mr Well Rounded; Jerusalem marketplace at church this week

Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you...

Cute kittens make me warm inside!

time away

I am back from a time away, not only from the computer but also from home. I was treated by Mr. Gameboy to 6 days in my hometown visiting my mom and others who I have not seen in a long while.

He enjoyed seeing those places he barely remembers since moving to the midwest. We had a beautiful day at Niagara Falls. When I was younger I spent much time there with friends/boyfriends walking the paths and listening to the roar of the water. On a hot day, nothing was better than walking the shaded path to Three Sisters Island and dipping your foot in the coolness of the shallow, calm water, that, just a few yards farther down, would turn into raging and dangerous rapids. The water spray would blow in the wind and cool our faces as well. Wonderful memories came flooding back as we walked that nice day!

I spent some time with my nephew and sister in law (who is now divorced from my brother) and Mr. Gameboy and he got along so well despite a 6 year age difference.

I saw an old friend who hadn't seen Mr. Gameboy since he was a bald baby and toddler.

I saw my dad's brother and his wife. He looks so much like my father it tugged at my heartstrings and I fought back tears.

I saw cousins I had not seen since my dad passed away and who had never met Mr. Gameboy (I was not able to take the kids with me when dad passed away).

Mom treated us to wonderful food choices, the likes of which we do not have in this area. Pizza and chicken wings can't be beat from that area! Ice cream was delightful and a treat as well, especially for Mr. Gameboy, the ice cream fiend!

I spent Sunday at mom's church where the pastor is a childhood friend of mine (the one my mom secretly wished I would marry!). I never would have guessed he would be a pastor someday!

Mr. Gameboy found an admirer in a senior lady in mom's building who just adored him. She is so lonely and welcomed our company whenever we could get down to visit her.

Of course, like all things, it wasn't all roses. There is the family stuff to deal with in respect to my brothers. One I did sit and talk to although I am saddened by how he chooses to live his life. Mr. Gameboy and I had a talk about that and how God wants us to live even when we are adults. This particular brother has not grown up yet and it is hurting his son so much.

The other brother refuses to acknowledge I am alive. That's okay. I can live with that. Mom can't though. She wants harmony and refuses to see that most likely harmony won't happen this side of heaven.

We visited dad's grave. That was the first time I had been there. It was difficult but I know he is in a better place and not in that ground.

I was very sick the last night there and had flight issues getting home. Sitting in an airport for 4 hours is not fun when you feel well; it is even less so when you feel awful. I was very thankful to get home into my own bed as was Mr. Gameboy.

All in all, I am glad I went. More importantly, I am glad to be back HOME...here, with my husband, Mr. Gameboy, Miss Musicwriter, Mr. Well Rounded, and Miss Bookworm, my kitty and puppy. I love all of them so much.

Caught in the middle

I hate this. I hate being caught in the middle of a situation that, no matter which side I lean toward, I lose. I am trying to keep it all in perspective. I am trying to see what really matters isn't the here and now. It is difficult, though, to decide who is right. On one hand, I have a responsibility to the position I hold and to the President of the club. On the other hand, I have a dear Christian friend who has gone through more in the last 16 months than I would want to endure in my lifetime. Each are asking me to do different things. Each believe thay are justified in their requests. I see both sides and can see where both are coming from. Yet, one has to lose. Why is it cast on me to decide the loser? In ten years, none of this will make a difference. In ten years, everyone will have moved on and forgotten about the drama that is so painful and raw right now. But in the here and now, that is not seen. In the here and now, emotions are raw, anger is flared, and who is right is important. Is there a way to wriggle out of this? Perhaps an escape to the Rockies...living among the trees of the mountains...just nature and me. Aah, running away from the problem--the age old solution. But it really isn't a solution at all. I need to face this and figure out who should come out on top. Here I go---I am diving in.

change in plans

Today was supposed to be all planned out. You know those times when you think one thing is going to happen, and then it doesn't? That is my today. A dear friend was supposed to come over today to teach Miss Musicwriter and myself how to sew. I have had a sewing machine sitting in my closet for at least 7 years now and I do not know how to use it, nor have I been able to figure it out on my own. Turns out, I won't be learning today either. She called this morning and is not feeling well. So, that leaves my whole day open. What I really want to do is go thrift store shopping but dh said no--we cannot spend any money right now. I understand. So, I have a whole Saturday to fill. I think I will start making a to-do list of things to fill it with. Right now I am headed to church to pick up Miss Bookworm from her confirmation retreat. Then, I see soccer paperwork in my future. We'll see though.

busy, busy, busy

It seems I have been very busy lately. Many times each day I find myself too busy to talk to a friend on the phone, too busy to finish the day's school work with Miss Bookworm, too busy to plan meals for my family, too busy...you get the idea. Then, early this week, while "busy" on the computer, I realized that I wasn't really busy-- I was distracted, even bordering on lazy. Yes, I can come up with excuses like the best of them...I have pain filled nights which cause me to get little sleep so I am tired; I am the registrar for my community's travel soccer club and spring season is gearing up. I have forms to sort, data entry to complete, copies to make and all the other duties that come with my position. But I realized those were just that...excuses. I set my mind to not wasting time. I did really well up until today. Today I just felt off for some reason. It can't be the very long winter we are having--I love winter and find the new snowfall this week beautiful and exhilerating. In fact, I dread spring and summer more than anything. I still can't out my finger on what made today so difficult for me. Whatever it was, I hope it is gone tomorrow. The new job for dh starts Monday but he is going downtown tomorrow for some preliminary things. He has been home everyday for 4 months. It will be strange to have him gone everyday again yet it will also be a huge blessing. We did not get much school work accomplished while he was home and now Miss Bookworm is behind. He was quite the distraction since he was bored. Monday will be like a new year. So, looking back, I am climbing back on the wagon of using my time wisely and getting those things accomplished that God has set before me each day.

Same old, same old

Our new President is on right now...I am catching most of what he is saying. I have to say I am not buying it. None of it. Our future generations (if we are here that long) will be paying for this HUGE debt that has just been added to over and over again. I personally wonder howmuch longer God will allow this country to mock Him, to ignore Him, and to disobey Him. As it was in the days of Noah, so to it will be in the end of time...men will be eating and drinking and the floods will come without warning. It could be today...I am so thankful my hope is in God and that my family will be with me in eternity. I know I will be reunited with loved ones who have gone before me...my dad in particular. Somedays I look at the sky and I wish it would happen that moment. Other days I look at the sky and I think of those who are not ready and what they will face when that day does come. It saddens me to think they have hardened their hearts so much that they cannot see the world crumbling around them nor take the time to study and see for themselves that the Bible is indeed true. Even so, Come quickly Lord Jesus!

For Today...

Outside my window... very nice sunshine making it look like spring but is definitely still winter... a fresh layer of pure white snow from the weekend

From the learning rooms... completed everything but geography today without tears!

I am thankful for... the depression easing some as the day went on today

From the kitchen... trying to figure out what's for dinner tonight still...I am weary of this process even though I know it is what is best for my family; a complaint from someone regardless oif what I make

I am wearing... jeans, turtleneck, sweatshirt and boots

I am reading... Anna's science book tonight to pull out important information for notes tomorrow

I am hoping... that Dave gets a job soon and this depression lifts some; that God provides rent money for March

I am creating... nothing right now

I am hearing... soccer game Zach is currently watching

Around the house... sorting overflowing laundry hampers; cleaning up kitchen floor after the weekend

One of my favorite things... is having everyone home for an evening

A few plans for the rest of the week... court hearing on Wednesday; college audition on Saturday for Sara and the drive it will take to get there

A Picture Thought I am Sharing With You:

My sweet Moo Kitty who is getting too big!

weekend--finally

For a week of not doing much, it has certainly been a long one. We actually did get a few subjects done today. Math went well with no tears or attitude today. Thanks be to God for that! Miss Bookworm struggles so much with any type of real life problems. I just don't get it...she can get the process easily if the equation is set up for her but is unable to set up an equation from a word problem. I have tried every way I know and she just doesn't get it. At least today she was willing to listen and try without tears or saying she is stupid. She is really enjoying The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe and even is enjoying discussing it and picking apart the worldview questions. I love the worldview curriculum we are doing...Starting Points by David Quine. It was slow going in the beginning of the year as we covered essentials before actually beginning literature works but it was well worth it. I already see her looking at worldview when she watches TV or sees a movie with a friend.

Miss Musicwriter is feeling better today and is out with friends tonight. I don't really like it when she is out on snowy roads but at least they stay in town. Her best friend will probably come back with her to spend the night which is always fun. She is dealing with kids in band who hate her but I am proud of how she is handling this.

Mr. Well Rounded is still coughing but has managed to make school everyday this week. He tried out for the musical and ended up getting two parts--one with a solo to sing! He is very excited since this is his first time trying out for a production. I am glad he is not running track this year. It really wiped him out last year physically and emotionally. With soccer andmarching band both starting in May, I am glad track is not in the picture!

Mr. Gameboy is off tonight--a rare occurence for a Friday night. I am sure he will spend his evening watching movies or playing the Wii! It will be a nice break for him.

I am looking forward to a relaxing weekend of meal planning, lesson planning and maybe even scrapbooking some! I need to finish my dad's memorial book. I am up to the funeral and just am not sure how to finish it in a fashion that he deserves. I want to make it just right but am not sure how. I know whatever I do my mom will love it when she sees it but I want it to be perfect.

When it rains...

Times are certainly difficult. I watch what is happening in our country and I wonder how it will all turn out. Of course, I don't really need to worry about it because my God is still in control. I wouldn't call it worry--more like, concern for what we may be facing as a nation. I never used to worry about such things. I paid no mind to the news or the budget or the middle east. I just wanted to live my life, raise my kids, and retire like every other person I thought I knew. Boy, was I naive! Now I realize that all those things I paid no attention to actually do affect my family. Newsflash! The world doesn't revolve around me! I was shocked. Needless to say, it took a very unexpected event to make me realize all this. My husband's company had done layoffs through the year. He was safe. We were sure of this. Wrong. Reality hit two weeks before Thanksgiving when he called me to tell me he may be on the layoff list. If I had been wearing dentures I would have swallowed them. I couldn't believe what he was telling me. I was scared, yes, but more angry than anything. How could they do this to him? He had given them everything he had. They had promised him a wonderful future with the firm. He had accolades of praise from partners and clients alike. They didn't care. The bottom line was his department wasn't one that produces money...no sales...so he was next to go. Once the shock and extreme anger wore off (actually the anger is still there) I settled into a calm knowing he would certainly walk right into another job. He was talented in his field and dedicated. Christmas came and no job. Well, it's the holidays. People are on vacation. Besides, they paid him through the end of the year so it would be fine. January came and went with a few interviews but no job offers. Instead, the most promising ones decided that due to economic conditions they were putting hiring on hold until spring. God provided amazingly. We always had grocery money and rent--until now. March is fast approaching with still no job and now, no money in the bank. Fear grips at times. We have no health insurance. Yesterday, Miss Musicwriter was not feeling well. She slept all day after band. She got up at 8:00 pm to eat some pancakes and then went back to bed. She woke up at 10:00 throwing up blood. A trip to the emergency room (with her almost in tears for costing us money we don't have) showed nothing serious thankfully. But she shouldn't have had to be concerned. It is frustrating for sure. I assured her health comes first always and money is not an issue when it could mean life or death, but I know in the back of dh mind, there is a nagging wonder of how we will pay this huge hospital bill when it comes in. Is God in control? Yes, I believe he is. Does he care? I know he does. Am I still scared? Yes, very much so.

frustrating day

It is only Monday; it is only 10:40 in the morning; it has been a horrible day. I don't understand my daughter. She wants to be homeschooled so she says but she doesn't want to do any work. She wants to be unschooled--to her that means she doesn't have to do anything. I know there are so many things she needs to learn and she has the capability to do so. She is lazy and has a serious heart problem, especially when it comes to resepect for us as her parents. I so want to give up and put her in public school. She would do well there I am sure, since they require so little of students. I know that is not the right thing, though. I am determined to persevere through this but I hope I don't destroy any chance of a relationship with her in the future.

For Today...February 2, 2009

Outside my window... bright sunshine but very cold again

I am thinking... of yesterday's church service

From the learning rooms... Revolutionary War; proportions; kingdom classification

I am thankful for... painkillers for my fractured wrist

From the kitchen... steak on the grill !!

I am wearing... jeans, turtleneck, UConn sweatshirt and mocasins

I am reading... Old Schoolhouse Magazine

I am hoping... that dh gets a job very soon

I am creating... was knitting a hat but will now have to wait until said fracture heals

Around the house... laundry; kitchen clean up

One of my favorite things... Friday nights spent at home relaxing

A few plans for the rest of the week... music store today; not much the rest of the week

Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you... I haven't quite figured out how to get my picture thought in this spot :(








For more daybooks..

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_dUrUa10NCDQ/SYb2IBbZdkI/AAAAAAAAB1Y/EWuDHKBfFr8/s1600-h/simple-woman-daybook-large.jpg

Picture thought

Monday, January 26, 2009

The Simple Woman's Daybook~January 26th Edition
For Today... January 26, 2009

Outside my window... bright sunshine but very cold--1 degree at noon

I am thinking... about the decisions I need to make regarding schooling

From the learning rooms... unit multipliers; writing project; A Wrinkle in Time literature packet

I am thankful for... winter and its invigorating coldness!

From the kitchen... pancakes--a breakfast dinner tonight

I am wearing... blue jeans; boots; UConn sweatshirt and turtleneck

I am reading... bread baking books

I am hoping... Dave's job interview goes well today and he gets a job

I am hearing... Flinstones on TV

Around the house... laundry to finish; some picking up

One of my favorite things... having my kitty sit on my lap and purr

A few plans for the rest of the week... concert tonight for Mr. Well Rounded; orchestra tomorrow for Miss Bookworm; trip to Moorehead Thursday and Friday for Miss Musicwriter's scholarship audition

Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you...

weekends

I love weekends. Of course, most people do because they do not have to go to work. I do not work outside of my home and I still love weekends. There is something about knowing I can sleep in the morning and not feel guilty about it. I love having the time to work on things I enjoy like scrapbooking, blogging, and knitting. I also like the extra time I have to get things done around the house the right way. Laundry can be effectively done as well as cleaning and meal planning. I love homeschooling Miss Bookworm and being home during the weekdays but there is still something about weekends!

A Busy Day

I have a short break--highly unusual for during the day-- so I thought I would write a bit. The sunshine is very beautiful today. It is rare in Minnesota that we get sun in January so when we do, it is a welcome sight. The only issue is the dog sees it and thinks spring is here! She cries to go out only to find that it is still chilly outside and then scratches to come back in. Thirty minutes later she is crying to go out again! Miss Bookworm and I have gotten almost all subject done today which, for an orchestra day is unusual. Mr. Gameboy is downstairs relaxing before he has to leave for work at 4:00. Miss Musicwriter is excited because her college books came today. She dove into the box anxious to get started. She has felt knowledge deprivation over the past week! Mr Well Rounded is at school and will be lifting weights afterwards while I take Miss Musicwriter to her saxophone lesson. I am hoping to enjoy some quiet time tonight to maybe walk on the treadmill and do some reading, praying and Bible study. I have some issues to take before God and seek his answers on.

Off to do science with Miss Bookworm right now! Blessings to any who may happen to read this!

A new Home

I've had a blog for a year or so but could not figure out how to customize it to make it more me. I saw many fellow homeschoolers were blogging on this blogging site so I thought I would switch. So far I have been happy. I have been able to add some things to my blog page that I was not able to do on the other site. I hope to blog a little every day and I hope I make some friends as well. As an introduction, I will start with some information.

I am a wife and a mom first and foremost. I have been married to D for 21 years (wow--I feel old!). We are the parents of 4 wonderful teenagers. The oldest, Mr. Gameboy, is 19. He is on the autism spectrum which just makes him unique in his thinking and approach to life. We adore it most of the time!

The next oldest is Miss Musicwriter. She is 17 and a senior in high school. She is currently taking free college classes from home after spending the first half of the year in an arts high school. She plans to attend college in the fall to double major in music composition and journalism.

Number 3 is Mr. Well Rounded. He is almost 16 and a sophomore in high school. He loves soccer, singing, and reading his Bible. He is very outgoing and loves almost everyone.

The "baby" of the family is Miss Bookworm. She is 13 and in 8th grade at our sometimes crazy homeschool. By her name you can guess that she loves to read! She also loves to play her violin and clarinet and is currently teaching herself to knit on a large spool.

Mr. D is a down to earth guy who enjoys television (more than he should) and solving sodoku puzzles. He has also been spending more time reading since he has been out of work since November.

I homeschool, drive kids to activities if Mr. Gameboy is at work and cannot help with that, score ACT essays part time, and manage a household of a very busy family that also includes Miss Yogi (woof) and Miss Molly (meow). I love my job and wouldn't trade it for all the money or possessions in the world. I am currently working on serious Bible study and exploring ways to live a simpler life...something that in America is going against the grain.

Feel free to leave a comment if you happen to come across my blog. Blessings.