Sunday, March 14, 2010

a letter to God

Dear God,

My heart is heavy tonight. The cares of this world have weighed me down. I worry about my health. I worry about my kids. I worry about finances--a lot. There is so much in this life that is worrisome. Sometimes I feel like I am sinking in a quicksand of worry. The more I struggle the faster I sink. You said that your burden is light. Mine is heavy right now, Lord. I realize that so many have much heavier burdens than mine and I shouldn't be complaining. I feel like such a wimp for staggering under the weight of my burden. Yet, to me, it is heavy. Of course, finances are the majority of my burden's weight. There just never seems to be enough money to cover everything that cries to be covered. I have poured myself out for this family and have nothing--literally--left to give. I am definitely at the end of my rope here. I see people--I even know several-- who deny your existence openly yet they are tremendously blessed in this world. I don't desire riches, Lord. I really don't. But it seems so wrong that they prosper and do nothing with their money to further your kingdom. Yet, you continue to bless them. Why? They live in lavish homes, drive nice vehicles, take expensive vacations and live for self. There are people I would love to help, kids I would love to sponsor, but cannot. I know in the end their riches cannot get them into heaven. I get it. Yet, how do I continue down here to lay up treasure in heaven? I have no earthly means to do so. Please, God, please, open my eyes to what I am missing. I have little joy for this journey and I desperately want some.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

a long while

Wow, it has been some time since I have been here. I think about sitting down and writing, and, inevitably, something happens that prevents me from doing so. Usually that something is something that makes me feel grumpy and thereby not feel like writing. This week, especially, has been true in that regard. I did not think I was going to make it through the last two days. It is the closest I have come in a very long time to throwing in the towel. I caught myself thinking seriously about thoughts that should not be entertained. It was a very low couple of days. I feel a slight upward swing today and that is good. I sure would love a vacation though. Just a small break away from all the problems and frustrations that being me brings. Unfortunately, this is not in my future...not the kind of resting vacation I need anyway. We (Mr. Accountant, Mr. Well Rounded and myself) are going to Chicago the end of this month for a college visit to Moody Bible Institute..this is where Mr. Well Rounded has his heart set on attending. I don't think he will have a problem getting in...he has the most faith I have ever seen in anyone---including adults. He is usually a breath of fresh air to me, although I do sometimes get annoyed at the fact that he doesn;t have a job and expects me to drop everything I am ever doing to drive him somewhere or pick him up. But I love him dearly and know God is going to use him mightily. While getting away from here will be good, it still won't be the rest I desperately need. I guess I just have to keep praying that God gets me through each day as it comes.

This morning I have a quiet house to myself...Mr. Well Rounded has a choral jazz festival so he is already at the school, Miss Bookworm is doing foodshelf work today so she is already at the church, Mr. Accountant is at men's Bible study and Mr. Gameboy is asleep and will be for at least 5 hours. I am going to immerse myself in the Scriptures and try to find my needed rest there.