Friday, November 27, 2009

A Fork in the Road

I have reached a fork in the road. I have been here before of this I am sure. Perhaps my wanderings have not gotten me further down the path at all, but rather, I fear I have been wandering in a large circle getting nowhere in my journey. If history is any indication, this fork will be problematic for me. I have chosen the wrong way again and again. Perhaps that is why I am stuck wandering in the same place. The problem is, I don't seem to remember which ways I have walked so as not to walk them again. I know that one path will lead to sure destruction, for I have chosen that path before. I have the scars to prove this fact. Did I miss something somewhere? A sign that would point me in the right direction? A detour that I should have taken and did not? This journey is frustrating me, for perhaps, this is a different fork in a different road. I guess it matters not where it is, but it matters very much which way I decide to go. My red flags of warning have already been raised within my spirit and now I have to choose to listen to them. If I make this choice, I am left wondering if God even sees, let alone cares, about me. I have lived this way for so long perhaps I am used to it. Yet, I now find myself questioning why God chooses to turn his back on me over and over again. He no longer answers prayers that I cry from my lips. I no longer sense his presence in any aspect of my life. There has been hurt after hurt and disappointment after disappointment for what seems like an eternity. I have heard that if God seems far away that he is not the one that moved. I disagree. I have been seeking and searching earmestly for the last two months and I am still stuck in thick mud and mire. Hence my fork in the road. I know I now need to make a choice. I can choose to continue the path I believe to be the right one and hope that at some point God shows himself to me and lets me know he is there with me. I can also choose to give up this frustrating search for God in my life. To say, along with so many others, that God cares not for me or my troubles and that the idea of a loving God is a nice one to think about but it just isn't true. I am scared of the choice I may make. I feel like I lose either way.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

not getting it

I am defnitely not getting it. The "it" I am referring to is whatever lesson God is trying to teach me in this season. I have submitted to Him in as much as I know for sure what He has asked of me. I homeschool a child who is very difficult to teach. I homeschooled another who was the same way. I homeschooled the middle two when it became clear that their bright minds and love of learning was being squelched. I have given the desire for a new vehicle to God and today even found myself thanking Him for the old van I drive. I stay home as much as possible so as not to spend money we shouldn't. I prepare meals--a chore I am not very fond of at all. Why, then, has God still forsaken us in this area? Why do we never have enough to cover the things that need to be paid? To buy groceries? To get birthday gifts or Christmas gifts? To cover the cost of school fees for activities? Why has God chosen to make us miserable in this area over and over again? Could he possibly be telling me that I shouldn't be homeschooling this daughter? Should she be in school and I at a job? How would that even work then? I am frustrated beyond all belief. I feel abandoned by God, yet somewhere deep within me I know that is just a feeling and should not be trusted. I feel so alone as well...I cannot give into these feelings.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


Remind me again why I homeschool? I truly believe for this child you have called me to do this. She struggles to learn, Lord, and I am afraid if I put her in public school she would be one of those students who fall through the cracks...not "bad" enough to attract the attention of a teacher but not "good" enough to get the grades she desperately wants to get.

I also am inclined to think that she would become like those around her to gain favor with her peers. I have seen this even at home with the few friends she has had. Sometimes, her social pendulum swings entirely in the opposite direction and she refuses to be sympathetic to activities that her friends wish to do, even those activities which are acceptable. She certainly likes her own space quite often.

I enjoy those days when she is into what we are learning or discussing. I remember fondly the day we walked to Holiday and talked the entire way there and back about modest dress and modest living that pleases You. On that day, my heart was overflowing with joy that she is home to have those conversations and that I am the one to influence those decisions.

But other days, Lord, like yesterday and today, when the tears flow or the attitude kicks in, I wonder if I am doing the right thing. She is easily frustrated, especially with math and the Algebra 1 we are trying to work through right now. In my heart I too sometimes wonder why we spend our time on this subject. I doubt she will ever use it unless she decides to homeschool her own children someday. By then, her brain will be more developed and chances are she will "get it". That is what happened to me. I struggled with Algebra in high school and never used it again until we were called by You to homeschool. First, Mr. Gameboy, the following year Miss Bookworm herself and then Miss Musicwriter and Mr. Well Rounded. I have taught Algebra 3 times now and am attempting to plow through it this year for the last time.

But this is taxing, Lord. The tears and the frustration and the shutting down really get to me. I love her, Lord. I know she is a blessing from you. But Homeschooling is difficult most days.

I guess your ministry was difficult most days as well though. Crowds followed you everywhere and one day they loved you; the next day they turned on you. That is how I sometimes feel, I am being turned against by my child. If You can suffer for your calling, then I can suffer for mine as well. At least mine will not end in an agonizing death--at least I don't think it will!

Thank you Lord, for speaking to me as I type this letter to you. Thank you for the reminder in my spirit that Miss Bookworm is a gift from you and that You have a perfect plan for her life. I don't know how homeschooling and Algebra fit into your plan, Lord, but I am called to continue this journey we started 6 years ago. Forgive me for relying on my own strength to see me through and help me to rely on yours alone.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Simple Woman's Daybook

November 9th
FOR TODAY... from Becky's Daybook

Outside my window... a chilly but sunny autumn morning

I am thinking... how much I miss my sweet daughter away at college

I am thankful for... a new week and feelings mended after an issue last evening

I am wearing... jeans, t-shirt and zip up really feeling God nudging my heart in this area but I am definitely confused

I am remembering... Thanksgiving days from my childhood and the sweet, sweet memories they bring

I am going... to pick Miss Bookworm up from choir soon and then to her voice lesson this afternoon; maybe the health food store to search for natural remedies to Mr. Well Rounded's acne issue that is really getting to him.

I am reading... my Bible (Psalms at the moment); The Shaker's Cookbook; Set Apart Femininity; A Call to Die 40 day study

I am hoping... to start a walking program today

On my mind... the families of 4 caringbridge sites I follow whose dear children have lost their battles with cancer

From the learning rooms... frustration as I desperately ask God how to school this very different youngest child

Noticing that... there wasn't much color to autumn this year

Pondering these words... none specific right now...lots of thoughts in my head today

From the kitchen... another frustrating area for me...seems no matter what I plan or make someone complains or plans change and it doesn't work.

Around the house... finishing laundry from the weekend

One of my favorite things~ the peace of the mornings when the two are gone to school..even if only for 90 minutes until one comes home

From my picture journal...Mr Well Rounded and Miss Bookworm the day they were baptized
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