Thursday, April 23, 2009

a journey with depression

I think I am finally over this last bout of depression. This one was tough, very tough. There were times I seriously wondered if I would make it through. Depression is my thorn. It has been a friend of mine since I was a teenager. It is a friend I never asked for nor wanted but it kept my acquaintance anyway. Through the years, I have tried many things to rid my life of this thorn. Alcohol was expensive and did not work--oh, I felt amazing when I was full of that spirit, but once the spirits wore off, I was back to feeling depressed. And it hurt my family. Suicide, obviously since I am still here, didn't work. All that did was land me in an ambulance to a hospital. It also hurt my family. Various medications have worked on and off but the side effects are not desirable to me. What finally did help was the one Spirit who I ignored for much of my life. Once He got a hold of me, I started to learn a bit about the ways of the devil and how the devil uses discouragement to eat away at me. I allowed him to do this for so long. I still battle this thorn, and some battles are more intense than others. This last one lasted about 8 days and was intense, yet, I knew I would be okay. Deep down I knew I would come out the other side. I did. Sometimes I didn't want to, but God had other plans. My continued prayer is that this thorn would be removed from me, but if that is not to be, then the prayer becomes that I would be given the grace to deal with it as it rears its ugly head. God told Isaiah that He would be with the Israelites when they walked THROUGH the water..they would not drown, and when they walked THROUGH the fire they would not get burned. Depression is my water and my fire and I trust God that I will not drown or burn in the midst of it, but that He will see me safely to the other side.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Simple Woman's Daybook

For Today... April 6th

Outside my window... sunshine but a cold wind making the windchill 28*

I am thinking... about the last few months of school and what needs to be accomplished

From the learning rooms... geometry; The Great Depression; the human body; research paper

I am thankful for... sunshine and the time to bake today

From the kitchen... baking cookies; not sure about dinner yet

I am wearing... jeans; tennis shoes; warm NIU hoodie

I am reading... Godless by Ann Coulter; a good read but needs to be read slowly

I am hoping... the seeds we planted indoors today will sprout

I am creating... a comfy home for my family

I am hearing... Miss Bookworm rocking waiting for me to finish up on the computer

Around the house... laundry as always; kitchen duty; could use a vacuuming too

One of my favorite things... accomplishing schoolwork without tears

A few plans for the rest of the week... driving to and from play rehearsal for Mr Well Rounded; Jerusalem marketplace at church this week

Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you...

Cute kittens make me warm inside!

Friday, April 3, 2009

time away

I am back from a time away, not only from the computer but also from home. I was treated by Mr. Gameboy to 6 days in my hometown visiting my mom and others who I have not seen in a long while.

He enjoyed seeing those places he barely remembers since moving to the midwest. We had a beautiful day at Niagara Falls. When I was younger I spent much time there with friends/boyfriends walking the paths and listening to the roar of the water. On a hot day, nothing was better than walking the shaded path to Three Sisters Island and dipping your foot in the coolness of the shallow, calm water, that, just a few yards farther down, would turn into raging and dangerous rapids. The water spray would blow in the wind and cool our faces as well. Wonderful memories came flooding back as we walked that nice day!

I spent some time with my nephew and sister in law (who is now divorced from my brother) and Mr. Gameboy and he got along so well despite a 6 year age difference.

I saw an old friend who hadn't seen Mr. Gameboy since he was a bald baby and toddler.

I saw my dad's brother and his wife. He looks so much like my father it tugged at my heartstrings and I fought back tears.

I saw cousins I had not seen since my dad passed away and who had never met Mr. Gameboy (I was not able to take the kids with me when dad passed away).

Mom treated us to wonderful food choices, the likes of which we do not have in this area. Pizza and chicken wings can't be beat from that area! Ice cream was delightful and a treat as well, especially for Mr. Gameboy, the ice cream fiend!

I spent Sunday at mom's church where the pastor is a childhood friend of mine (the one my mom secretly wished I would marry!). I never would have guessed he would be a pastor someday!

Mr. Gameboy found an admirer in a senior lady in mom's building who just adored him. She is so lonely and welcomed our company whenever we could get down to visit her.

Of course, like all things, it wasn't all roses. There is the family stuff to deal with in respect to my brothers. One I did sit and talk to although I am saddened by how he chooses to live his life. Mr. Gameboy and I had a talk about that and how God wants us to live even when we are adults. This particular brother has not grown up yet and it is hurting his son so much.

The other brother refuses to acknowledge I am alive. That's okay. I can live with that. Mom can't though. She wants harmony and refuses to see that most likely harmony won't happen this side of heaven.

We visited dad's grave. That was the first time I had been there. It was difficult but I know he is in a better place and not in that ground.

I was very sick the last night there and had flight issues getting home. Sitting in an airport for 4 hours is not fun when you feel well; it is even less so when you feel awful. I was very thankful to get home into my own bed as was Mr. Gameboy.

All in all, I am glad I went. More importantly, I am glad to be back, with my husband, Mr. Gameboy, Miss Musicwriter, Mr. Well Rounded, and Miss Bookworm, my kitty and puppy. I love all of them so much.