reminder?

Lord,
Remind me again why I homeschool? I truly believe for this child you have called me to do this. She struggles to learn, Lord, and I am afraid if I put her in public school she would be one of those students who fall through the cracks...not "bad" enough to attract the attention of a teacher but not "good" enough to get the grades she desperately wants to get.

I also am inclined to think that she would become like those around her to gain favor with her peers. I have seen this even at home with the few friends she has had. Sometimes, her social pendulum swings entirely in the opposite direction and she refuses to be sympathetic to activities that her friends wish to do, even those activities which are acceptable. She certainly likes her own space quite often.

I enjoy those days when she is into what we are learning or discussing. I remember fondly the day we walked to Holiday and talked the entire way there and back about modest dress and modest living that pleases You. On that day, my heart was overflowing with joy that she is home to have those conversations and that I am the one to influence those decisions.

But other days, Lord, like yesterday and today, when the tears flow or the attitude kicks in, I wonder if I am doing the right thing. She is easily frustrated, especially with math and the Algebra 1 we are trying to work through right now. In my heart I too sometimes wonder why we spend our time on this subject. I doubt she will ever use it unless she decides to homeschool her own children someday. By then, her brain will be more developed and chances are she will "get it". That is what happened to me. I struggled with Algebra in high school and never used it again until we were called by You to homeschool. First, Mr. Gameboy, the following year Miss Bookworm herself and then Miss Musicwriter and Mr. Well Rounded. I have taught Algebra 3 times now and am attempting to plow through it this year for the last time.

But this is taxing, Lord. The tears and the frustration and the shutting down really get to me. I love her, Lord. I know she is a blessing from you. But Homeschooling is difficult most days.

I guess your ministry was difficult most days as well though. Crowds followed you everywhere and one day they loved you; the next day they turned on you. That is how I sometimes feel, Lord...like I am being turned against by my child. If You can suffer for your calling, then I can suffer for mine as well. At least mine will not end in an agonizing death--at least I don't think it will!

Thank you Lord, for speaking to me as I type this letter to you. Thank you for the reminder in my spirit that Miss Bookworm is a gift from you and that You have a perfect plan for her life. I don't know how homeschooling and Algebra fit into your plan, Lord, but I am called to continue this journey we started 6 years ago. Forgive me for relying on my own strength to see me through and help me to rely on yours alone.

Simple Woman's Daybook

November 9th
FOR TODAY... from Becky's Daybook

Outside my window... a chilly but sunny autumn morning

I am thinking... how much I miss my sweet daughter away at college

I am thankful for... a new week and feelings mended after an issue last evening

I am wearing... jeans, t-shirt and zip up jacket...am really feeling God nudging my heart in this area but I am definitely confused

I am remembering... Thanksgiving days from my childhood and the sweet, sweet memories they bring

I am going... to pick Miss Bookworm up from choir soon and then to her voice lesson this afternoon; maybe the health food store to search for natural remedies to Mr. Well Rounded's acne issue that is really getting to him.

I am reading... my Bible (Psalms at the moment); The Shaker's Cookbook; Set Apart Femininity; A Call to Die 40 day study

I am hoping... to start a walking program today

On my mind... the families of 4 caringbridge sites I follow whose dear children have lost their battles with cancer

From the learning rooms... frustration as I desperately ask God how to school this very different youngest child

Noticing that... there wasn't much color to autumn this year

Pondering these words... none specific right now...lots of thoughts in my head today

From the kitchen... another frustrating area for me...seems no matter what I plan or make someone complains or plans change and it doesn't work.

Around the house... finishing laundry from the weekend

One of my favorite things~ the peace of the mornings when the two are gone to school..even if only for 90 minutes until one comes home

From my picture journal...Mr Well Rounded and Miss Bookworm the day they were baptized

For more daybooks visit Peggy at www.thesimplewoman.blogspot.com

Three down--one to go

Today my little boy became an officially licensed driver. It hit me after I let him take the car for his first solo drive that this has been a year of changes. Miss Musicwriter got her license in April, went off to college in August and Mr. Well Rounded got his license today. No wonder I feel so stressed. Lots of changes this year, and, if you have read any of my previous entries, I am not a fan of change and tend to not handle it well. Regardless, though, they come. It was not as difficult letting him drive solo as it was when Mr. Gameboy got his license. I remember being so scared that he would get into an accident. While I still worry, it is a mother's privilege I tell them, I now realize that all my worry does not have any affect on what happens. God is ultimately the One in control and it was nice tonight being able to spend the evening at home instead of having to drive and pick up from church. Miss Bookworm has been chomping at the bit for me to let her drive. I look at her and know that her time will be here all too soon. But for now, though, I try to keep her young enough to still need me...young enough to be home with me. For when her day comes to get a license, my role diminishes to almost nill. I am definitely NOT looking forward to that! Regardless, congratulations Mr. Well Rounded. Be careful and know I love you!

goodbyes are hard

Miss Musicwriter went back to college tonight. She had been home since last Friday night. I can't begin to put in words how nice it was to have all the chicks in the nest once again if even for a short time. I knew I would be sad when the time came to drop her off at the carpool that would take her back to campus, away from me once again. Four weeks and a day and Thanksgiving break will be here and I will get to see her again. What is so bothersome to me is I spent so much of her youngest years wishing for the next stage: I can't wait until she sleeps through the night, I can't wait until she walks by herself, I can't wait until she can ride a bike, I can't wait until she goes to school, I can't wait...the list goes on. Suddenly, all my can't waits came true and I find myself wishing for so many of those days back. But it is not possible to reverse the passage of time. I cherish those memories of her youth and attempt to accept that change is inevitable and growing up has to take place. Then I thank God for allowing me to have her, for making her my best friend, and for the fact that she is able to attend college at all. I have much to be thankful for I know. Yet, I still can't help but start a countdown of days until she comes home again!

reaping

There is so much going on in my life right now. I am feeling the need to step back...to pull away from life for a bit and to organize my thoughts and priorities. Unfortunately, I cannot do this. I still have a family who cannot function on their own. I don't get this. I am my parents' youngest child. By the time I was fourtenn, the age of my youngest child now, I was able to do things for myself. I did not need reminding to do homework and actually turn it in, to fix a lunch if I was hungry, or the host of other things it seems my children cannot do for themselves. In fact, the most dependent soul my mom had to deal with was my dad. He was, it seemed, unable to do the easiest things for himself. My husband is a lot like this as well, but I have the addition of 3 kids (Miss Musicwriter is away at college), a dog and a cat. Sometimes the demands on me get so overwhelming, especially when someone needs to yell at someone else and I am always the one chosen...regardless if I had anything to do with it or not. At times like this, and this is one of them, discouragement runs very high. I want so badly to run away and just be by myself for a while. Oh, but I cannot. I need to stay and tend to this dependent group that I have created. Maybe that is what is really bothering me---I have created this mess myself by indulging them their whole lives. I guess I am reaping what I have sown in many ways. In the meantime, I count my blessings that they are healthy and intelligent enough to someday learn that it isn't all about them...yes, even my husband could stand to learn this lesson. Soon, I hope. I never said patience was my gift.

mediocrity

As I spend more time reflecting on things of God and looking around me for examples of Him, I am finding myself bothered more and more with the mediocrity of Christians around me. As my eyes are opened to the world around me and I see how Christians, especially young people, are acting, dressing, talking and striving to fit in with their non-Christian peers, I find myself getting more and more frustrated with the mediocre and lukewarm attitudes and actions that pervade the Christian community today. One book I highly recommend is Crazy Love by Francis Chan. This book was the catalyst that began to open my eyes to the laid back lifestyle that Christians today live. I am on a search for a different life--a life truly set apart for God. What will that radical change look like in my life? I am not sure myself yet, but I know that God has me on a canvas and he is transforming the picture even as I type. I am excited to see the finished portrait!

blogging again

It has been a very busy fall season, but for the most part I have enjoyed it. I was feeling a little apple deprived since we haven't had much money to spend on such things. Then, a friend of mine told me of a friend she has who has apple trees on her property. She was willing to allow us to pick as many as we wanted for free. Beth, another friend of hers and myself spent a couple hours on a beautiful fall afternoon picking lots of apples. I estimate I got about 4 bushels of apples...maybe more. Miss Bookworm and I have spent a few days turning many of them into applesauce and I have also frozen 4 pies to bake later in the winter when fresh apples are unavailable. A dear friend of mine had a health scare this past week. I am so thankful to God for sparing her life. She is now home after some brain surgery and is doing amazingly well. Praise God for that! Our vehicke woes continue. We just had to put four tires on the car after Dave blew a tire one night coming home. Now, the brakes are squealing on the van...no, not just squealing, grinding loudly. My dear freind above has a husband who is mechanically inclined and he is going to look at it for us today. Again, an answer to prayer. I am starting to see that God is everywhere around me. I have always focused on the problems instead of on God and with His help, I am trying to change that. I have so much to be thankful for and I am ashamed that for so long I have taken these things for granted and whined like a spoiled brat. Forgive me Lord. In this, my favorite time of year, I plan to focus on the good things I have in my life and strive to build treasures in heaven.