fear

Tonight I am scared...and nervous. Tomorrow afternoon I will be visiting the back institute and getting injections in my lower back. These will determine if I am a candidate for the next step procedure which entails the burning of the nerve endings so I no longer feel the pain that will still be occurring in my back. I am not a fan of needles and am admittedly scared to death. To add to my stress, Mr. Auditor cannot go with me due to a conference he needs to be at. Thankfully, my wonderful daughter, Miss Musicwriter, will be going. But still, I wish my husband was coming as well. I tend to try to be strong for my kids and it will be difficult to be so if I am in great pain. I will be glad when this is over with.

Five Days at the County Fair

Weather: Wednesday--sunny, hot and humid with temperatures at 89*
Thursday--sunny, hot and humid with temperatures at 90*
Friday--sunny, hot and humid with temperatures at 94*
Saturday--cloudy and pouring down rain with the same expected on Sunday
Five days at the county fair left me, the Queen of hate the heat, wondering if maybe heat is better than rain! Of course I am joking...I would much rather rain than dreadful, dead, hot air. None of the buildings at the county fair are air conditioned except for the 4-H foodstand, and in there, with the grills going all the time, you can't feel the air conditioning at all. At least any building will give shelter from rain. Regardless of the weather, though, the county fair has been fun--exhausting, but fun. Miss Bookworm is performing in the 4-H county fair arts in. The theme this year is 4-H on Broadway. She has had a ton of fun and I am so proud of her for participating. Her participation required an overnight stay at the fairgrounds last weekend. She knew no one else who was in the show, yet she signed up and went on her own. For her, that is a huge step! She also auditioned for several parts, including the lead. She did not get the lead, but she did get a duet with another girl. They sing "Sisters" from the movie "White Christmas". All together they will perform the show 12 times in the 5 day run of the fair. In between shows, I have thoroughly enjoyed spending time with the animals who are there. I have loved and spent time with goats, sheep, rabbits, horses, llamas, donkeys, a baby zebra (yes, a zebra!), deer, a wallaby, calves and chickens. The sheep and goats are my favorite of course, but a friend of ours has a horse there named Candy who I am quite partial to as well. Although I believe I may have gained 10 pounds this week, I wouldn't trade the days there for anything. My heart swells with pride when I see Miss Bookworm on stage loving that element and spending time with her has been so nice. We are so very different--Miss Musicwriter and myself are quite similar--so I sometimes wonder if she knows how much I love her. All in all I am exhausted, sore, and extremely proud all at the same time.

What a day of rejoicing!

Today my two youngest children, Mr. Well Rounded and Miss Bookowrm, were baptized in the local lake. It was a step they both felt called to do after spending a week at Lone Tree Bible Ranch in Wyoming. This camp was not cheap, especially for a family whose sole breadwinner was out of work for four moths this year. To send one student would have been difficult enough--to send both seemed imnpossible. Yet, with a little bit of fundraising and a lot of prayer, we came up with the almost $1000 to send two kids to camp. It was worth every cent we paid! The kids came back excited for their walk with God, cemented in their relationship with Him and a willingness to follow wherever God might lead them. This included the waters of baptism in the lake. For Mr. Well Rounded it also led to a final decision on hs future. For a few years he has felt that God was leading him to teach somehow. He assumed that meant being a high school english teacher. After Lone Tree he believes that God has made it clear--his calling is to be a pastor. After the many hurts to my heart, this news came as a welcome salve. He is looking into colleges and, for now, has narrowed it down to two--Moody Bible Institute and Northwestern College in St. Paul. This has truly been a day of rejoicing!

The joys of motherhood

Is motherhood a joy? I have pondered this question the last few days as I have watched moms with little children play in the park by the lake. These children laugh and giggle as mommy chases them through the playground equipment but cannot catch them because she is too big to fit in the tunnels. It certainly appears to be a joy. But what does the future hold? That child will continue to grow and in the blink of an eye will soon have friends who are suddenly more important to be around then mom. Soon that child will have a driver's license and will be baffled as to why mom is worried when she is 20 minutes late for curfew. That child will graduate high school and maybe choose a college where she will move and live most of the year. A roommate as well as all new experiences will be had by her as she begins a new chapter of her life. Eventually that child may marry and start her own family and mom will be someone she calls for advice or when she has the time to chat. In between all these experiences and changes will come joys for sure...the joy of watching her graduate, walk down the aisle, be a mom. There will also be hurts...these are unavoidable as she tests her wings. When your child hurts, a momma's heart hurts as well. I have experienced this cruel reality especially these past two weeks. To be a mom is to wear your heart on your sleeve and allow the risk of it being stabbed. I don't always like this part of motherhood. Many times my heart has been stabbed yet I keep it out there out of love for my kids. When all is said and done, I wouldn't trade the joys of motherhood just to miss out on the hurts. It would be like chopping down a rose bush because it had thorns. I will continue to enjoy my children even when they are no longer children and deal with the hurts that come along with their mistakes and failures.

Crazy summertime

Wow. Summer is more than half over for us. I can't say that I am sad. I am ready to get back to routine and get Miss Bookworm back into a routine as well. The biggest issue, as usual in July/August, is where the money is going to come from to get the homeschooling stuff we need. I pretty much have my list of what materials we are going to use. Miss Bookworm will be home for all subjects but choir the first two quarters. She will be going to choir first block at the high school every other day. The second semester she will continue choir and add Stage Acting I and II to her schedule. I think this will be a nice reintroduction to school...non-academic classes and something she is very interested in. Having her at school for two blocks will take a huge chunck out of our day so we will need to be very disciplined in the beginning of the year to not get behind (like we did last year). The beginning of the year will be so different this year as Mr. Well Rounded has announced that he will not be playing varsity soccer. This season usually starts in mid-August with 4 hour morning practices. I have driven someone to "hell weeks" (the first two weeks of practice) for the last 5 years. This August I will not have to. He is planning on doing the fall musical at school (we do not know what it will be yet) and he doesn't want soccer to deter him from getting a good part. I believe he is also just tired of the politics and boys he plays with. Also making for a strange fall will be Miss Musicwriter's departure for college. She moves into her dorm August 30th. She is very excited to get there and start a new chapter in her life. I can't say as I blame her with the way her so-called friends have treated her this summer. She is ready to be done with the immaturity of these and meet some new friends in college. Mr. Gameboy will be working at the apple orchard again. He loves working there and will continue his other job at Target as well. Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same.

counting blessings...again

---When upon life billows you are tempest tossed...

Yeah, life can be a tempest for sure.

---When you are discouraged thinking all is lost...

Hmmm, can definitely say I have been there.

---Count your many blessings every doubt will fly...

Well, maybe not every doubt but it certainly is something I am learning these days. Counting my blessings is not always easy. Sometimes I tend to lose sight of what should be considered blessings. I think of the material things I don't have and think I am missing out on blessings. The reality is I am blessed. Right now a dear friend's husband is in the hospital for at least the 8th time in the last year. Last summer he almost died in surgery. Since then, he has had complication after complication. Yesterday he had to be taken back to the emergency room. No matter what they give him, something keeps recurring causing high fevers and other unpleasant things. Regardless, this family has been through a lot in the last year or so. Discouragement is setting in and they are wondering if there is healing in sight for him this side of heaven. When I am tempted to whine about a vehicle that is less than wonderful or an unexpected duty that arises with one of my four teens, I instead pray for my friend and his family. I know God uses all things for His glory. I also know that He is the ultimate Physician. I will continue to count my blessings as well as continue to pray for those who are hurting or in pain or are facing difficult circumstances.

Was I one of the lunatics?

I spent a good part of yesterday watching young people, ranging in age from 13-17, play soccer. None of my own children were participating. Although my daughter's team was playing, she was at a parade with marching band. My husband was reffing this tournament and was scheduled non-stop on games from 8-6. In between sitting in the car, driving around the area, and spending time in the hotel we were planning to stay at, I caught a good part of several games. Now, I have been a "soccermom" since my now 19 year old son was 5. Three out of my four children have been serious soccer players with the fourth participating recreationally for a few years. I have coached many of their teams over the years as well. I played soccer through my freshmen year of college when a combination of injury and classes forced me to stop. All this to say that I at one time had a passion for this game...did you catch that? Game. It IS a GAME. Games are supposed to be fun. When I was small, my brother and I would play a game when we were bored on a winter afternoon. We did this to have fun. Whether it wasa long game of Monopoly or a shorter game of Life, we enjoyed this pasttime. The word game in and of itself has the connotation of something that is done for fun. My time at the field yesterday, though, saw little fun being had.I saw boys and girls with faces that held looks ready to kill. I heard 17 year old boys whining to a referee that something done to them was grossly unfair and should have been called. I saw girls shoving other girls in the back in order to take the ball away. I saw deliberate trips and heard lots of language that if I had used at those ages would have abruptly earned me a soapy mouth. But the players were not the only ones carrying on. Parents on the sidelines were shouting as ten year olds might when fighting about whose dad is stronger. Adults yeling at referees about a perceived foul; adults yelling at their kids to play harder; adults encouraging retaliation since "the jerk isn't calling anything anyways". I wonder--in the prime of my motherhood years, when my children were younger and playing competitively, did I sound like this? My fear is I did. I am, afterall, a very competitive person. I perceive fairness and its opposite and I take it very seriously. I was also young. Now that I am older and, I believe, wiser, I realize that these matches are simply a game--a game that promotes exercise and teamwork and should promote respect for others regardless of the outcome at the end. I think this lesson has been lost over the years. Clubs are pushing PACT training. This is Parents And Coaches Together. This is supposed to help teach the PARENTS how to behave on the sidelines. I don't ever remember my parents needing to attend such a session to teach them how to behave like adults. If my team won, I was congratulated by my dad. If we lost, I was told it is only a game and there will be many more. My dad did not try to sign me up for camps and spend lots of money on training. Afterall, it was just a game, something I did because I loved it and had fun doing it. I fear the fun has been taken out of youth sports. Now there is pressure to be better to earn the coveted--and rare--sports scholarship. I feel badly that I may have been one of those parents who put too much emphasis on the outcome and not enough on just having fun. No wonder teens are dropping out of sports and activities. Adults have taken the fun of the game away from them.