One Talented Kid

I picked up this week's issue of the town newspaper. There, in a large picture on the front page, is the cast of our high school's One Act play. They are going to State competition for their performance of "Pagaent Play". And in that picture, in the back row, is my son. Mr. Well-Rounded really lives up to his name. He is a musician (both vocal and instrumental), an actor, an athlete, an honor student, a class cabinet member, speaks four languages, a church youth group leader, a worship leader, and a really nice (and good looking) young man. Sounds like I'm bragging? Not intentionally, for there is another motivation behind this post. Mr. Well Rounded has a packed resume from high school. His picture has been in the paper for a wide variety of things (he played soccer, he got into an exclusive music program at a private music school in the cities, etc). He does not lack for positive references. But he is not the youngest in this family. You see, there is one who always seems to feel as though she is living in his shadow. Miss Bookworm is her name and I wish I could make her see that she is not her brother, but she is still loved as much as he is. Her picture has been in the paper one time...when she was inducted into the Tri-M music honor society as a freshman. Mr. Well-Rounded didn't get in to that until he was a sophomore. She forgets that and still feels inferior. She is not an athlete. That is ok. She is a musician (vocal but was a gifted violinist until she gave that up to sing) and she is quite good at singing. She is not a straight A student. That is ok too. She is a hard worker and is usually quite conscientious about her work. She is homeschooled. I wanted to send her to the high school full time next year. Nothing against having her home. I just don't feel as though I am doing a good job of teaching high school. There were many tears at the mention of this potentiality. She goes for choir. I know she would adjust just fine. There is adamant refusal to go. Then, as I was browsing the paper, reading the article on the One Act cast and coming across the pictures on concert choir and concert band (yes, the two highest levels in our school) and seeing Mr. Well-Rounded smiling from those pictures as well...reading the article on what an honor both of these groups had in being selected to perform at the state's music teacher's convention...it dawned on me. I don't think I would want to be the younger sibling of Mr. Well-Rounded either. He is known by every teacher in every department and liked by all of them. And while she shouldn't have to follow in his shoes, it would probably be expected of her simply because her last name matches his. Even Miss Musicmaker, who has a list of accomplishments all her own, said that she would NOT want to be Mr. Well-Rounded's younger sister.

I am proud of both of them. In my eyes, they are both precious gifts from God. Because God has bestowed more on one does not diminish the other in my mind. Convincing Miss Bookworm of that, though...well, that is a different story.

The Blahs

I sat through Pastor Max's lesson on Job Monday night. I can say I learned some things and some things were made clearer, but I still have some issues with that book. It probably isn't helping that I feel like I am in a downward spiral emotionally and spiritually right now. I can't really lay a reason on why I am struggling so. Some people have said it's the weather. No. It is definitely not the weather. I love the cold and snow and actually get depressed thinking about spring and summer. I just don't know what it is, but I do know I am weary. I often think of the verse where Jesus says, "Come unto me all you who are weary and I will give you rest." I just can't seem to get some of that rest. My schedule is out of control. I am glad Anna got into show choir and that she is enjoying it, but it is taxing me being gone Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights. Add to that the stress of feeling like homeschooling is just a failure again this year and I just feel weary. Very weary. Perhaps this is just a season that will pass. I hope so. I want to feel well again. Perhaps tomorrow I will set up some goals to help me get there. Tonight, I am too tired to think that much.

Why do the righteous suffer?

My Old Testament survey class is in the books of Job and Ecclesiastes this week. This is the second time within the last 6 months that I have read through the book of Job and, to be honest, I am still struggling with it. I don't question the authority of God to do whatever He wants. I get that we have ultimately no control over things. We are the created, not the creator. Yet, I am still frustrated and baffled by so many things in this book.

If, for example, Job was blameless and upright (as the first few verses tell us he was), why did God set him up for attack? Obviously Satan had to ask permission of God to afflict Job with the calamities that befell him. And God said "Yes." I don't get that. If some bully came to my door and asked me if I would allow him to beat up my son in order to build his character, my answer would be a resounding "NO!" I may even chase the bully off my property. My duty as a parent is to protect my son. I would not want to set him up for humiliation and pain. Now, as a parent, I do allow my kids to learn from their own mistakes. Mistakes are going to be made and I cannot protect my kids from all their consequences. But Job made no mistake that caused these disasters. It was simply God turning him over to Satan and putting the one perameter of not allowing death to Job in place. I don't get it.

Job was a righteous man. He was blessed beyond measure. Then, the blessings were gone. In the church I grew up in I was taught that if you obey God, then his blessings will follow you. (I don't think this is the same as the health and wealth gospel preached today which says if you have enough faith God will bess you.) Sin brings consequences and obedience brings blessings. It is the natural order of things. If my children disobeyed me, they would lose privileges of some sort, but if they obeyed, I would grant them extra favor to reinforce their prompt obedience. Of course, they, like all of us, did not ALWAYS obey the first time, but they knew the consequences would follow disobedience and blessing would follow obedience. Then I look at Job. He didn't disobey. He never cursed God. Eventually, his fortune was returned to him. Yet, anyone who has lost a child knows another child cannot replace the one lost. A void can be filled and love extended but one always wonders what may have become of the child lost. While Job did have children again to "replace" those lost, they were not the same children.

Why would God choose to withhold blessings from those who obey but bless those who curse His name? I just don't understand this. I know I need to move on in faith and know that not all things will be known on earth. This is getting more difficult, though, as I feel crushed under the hand of God. I feel homeschooling was a call from God for me. I gave up a full time job I enjoyed and obeyed. Living on one income has been beyond difficult. We seldom know where grocery money is coming from. We lost a home to foreclosure and now pay ridiculously high rent because we cannot buy a house. We drive old beat up and unreliable vehicles. We cannot buy our kids clothing on a regular basis let alone a decent car to drive. We cannot help with college expenses like parents are supposed to be able to do. I know these are material things but they are necessary material things. I find I am growing depressed as the financial frustrations just keep getting worse. What am I doing wrong that God is choosing to withhold blessings? Am I doing nothing wrong and this is just our lot in life? I need an answer and so far have not been able to find one.

a future

I have been thinking a lot lately of my future. As the kids keep getting older (funny how they do that but I don't) I realize that very soon they will all be living their own lives. Being a mom is really all I know how to do. It has been my identity for the past 20 years and sometimes I feel panic set in when I think about what I might do when there are no kids left at home to take care of. There are definitely some things I am interested in, though, and I wonder if perhaps I might be able to pursue them. For example, I love photography. I also love to write. I could see myself working in a library or, even better, an elementary school library. I could pursue a MN teaching license since my NY license means nothing here but I don't see myself teaching in public schools. A Christian school would be awesome though! Of course my ultimate dream is to own a bakery but that would take funds I do not have. Perhaps working in a bakery?

I don't know the future but I know God promises to have a future planned for me both on earth and in heaven.

The dog days of summer

If you know me at all, you know I am not a fan of summer. I enjoy the break from school for a bit and the freedom to read and bake, but I do not enjoy the heat, constant sunshine and humidity. While I am very thankful for air conditioning, I miss having fresh air blowing through the house. This feeling of blah-ness usually sets in during July and this year is no different. July is a lot like January...long and stuck indoors. The only difference is it is too hot to do anything outdoors instead of too cold. I am sure when school starts again, I will long for the relaxing days of summer gone by.

How does this happen?

I always wanted kids...lots of kids. As it happened, we stopped at four. Twenty years after the first was born, I am glad I did. I am not a very good mom apparently. I have raised a child who apparently has no regard for the feelings of others most of the time. Which of my offspring I am referring to will rename nameless simply to protect others around us as well as the individual from judgement. I will even refrain from using a gender that may give it away. What bothers me the most is I thought I had taught all of them to think...to consider everything before jumping in with both feet. Apparently I have failed. What could be next in this child's line of mistakes and who else might suffer at his/her hands? I don't want to stick around and find out to be honest. If there is a way to detach myself from parenting, I must find it soon.

Warning: Changes Ahead--Prepare to Brake

I have never been one who is fond of change. In fact, I dislike it very much. I know change is inevitable and you would think I would be used to it after my 40+ years on earth. But I am not.

Now, more changes are coming and they are coming way too fast for me. I was just getting used to Miss Musicwriter being an adult and on her own most of the time. Now, Mr. Well Rounded is exerting his desire for more independence. Even Miss Bookworm is gone tonight to a bonfire at a friend's house. This is leaving me with a very eerie feeling...one I do not like in the least.

Can I just run away? Please?