The Blahs

I sat through Pastor Max's lesson on Job Monday night. I can say I learned some things and some things were made clearer, but I still have some issues with that book. It probably isn't helping that I feel like I am in a downward spiral emotionally and spiritually right now. I can't really lay a reason on why I am struggling so. Some people have said it's the weather. No. It is definitely not the weather. I love the cold and snow and actually get depressed thinking about spring and summer. I just don't know what it is, but I do know I am weary. I often think of the verse where Jesus says, "Come unto me all you who are weary and I will give you rest." I just can't seem to get some of that rest. My schedule is out of control. I am glad Anna got into show choir and that she is enjoying it, but it is taxing me being gone Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights. Add to that the stress of feeling like homeschooling is just a failure again this year and I just feel weary. Very weary. Perhaps this is just a season that will pass. I hope so. I want to feel well again. Perhaps tomorrow I will set up some goals to help me get there. Tonight, I am too tired to think that much.

Why do the righteous suffer?

My Old Testament survey class is in the books of Job and Ecclesiastes this week. This is the second time within the last 6 months that I have read through the book of Job and, to be honest, I am still struggling with it. I don't question the authority of God to do whatever He wants. I get that we have ultimately no control over things. We are the created, not the creator. Yet, I am still frustrated and baffled by so many things in this book.

If, for example, Job was blameless and upright (as the first few verses tell us he was), why did God set him up for attack? Obviously Satan had to ask permission of God to afflict Job with the calamities that befell him. And God said "Yes." I don't get that. If some bully came to my door and asked me if I would allow him to beat up my son in order to build his character, my answer would be a resounding "NO!" I may even chase the bully off my property. My duty as a parent is to protect my son. I would not want to set him up for humiliation and pain. Now, as a parent, I do allow my kids to learn from their own mistakes. Mistakes are going to be made and I cannot protect my kids from all their consequences. But Job made no mistake that caused these disasters. It was simply God turning him over to Satan and putting the one perameter of not allowing death to Job in place. I don't get it.

Job was a righteous man. He was blessed beyond measure. Then, the blessings were gone. In the church I grew up in I was taught that if you obey God, then his blessings will follow you. (I don't think this is the same as the health and wealth gospel preached today which says if you have enough faith God will bess you.) Sin brings consequences and obedience brings blessings. It is the natural order of things. If my children disobeyed me, they would lose privileges of some sort, but if they obeyed, I would grant them extra favor to reinforce their prompt obedience. Of course, they, like all of us, did not ALWAYS obey the first time, but they knew the consequences would follow disobedience and blessing would follow obedience. Then I look at Job. He didn't disobey. He never cursed God. Eventually, his fortune was returned to him. Yet, anyone who has lost a child knows another child cannot replace the one lost. A void can be filled and love extended but one always wonders what may have become of the child lost. While Job did have children again to "replace" those lost, they were not the same children.

Why would God choose to withhold blessings from those who obey but bless those who curse His name? I just don't understand this. I know I need to move on in faith and know that not all things will be known on earth. This is getting more difficult, though, as I feel crushed under the hand of God. I feel homeschooling was a call from God for me. I gave up a full time job I enjoyed and obeyed. Living on one income has been beyond difficult. We seldom know where grocery money is coming from. We lost a home to foreclosure and now pay ridiculously high rent because we cannot buy a house. We drive old beat up and unreliable vehicles. We cannot buy our kids clothing on a regular basis let alone a decent car to drive. We cannot help with college expenses like parents are supposed to be able to do. I know these are material things but they are necessary material things. I find I am growing depressed as the financial frustrations just keep getting worse. What am I doing wrong that God is choosing to withhold blessings? Am I doing nothing wrong and this is just our lot in life? I need an answer and so far have not been able to find one.

a future

I have been thinking a lot lately of my future. As the kids keep getting older (funny how they do that but I don't) I realize that very soon they will all be living their own lives. Being a mom is really all I know how to do. It has been my identity for the past 20 years and sometimes I feel panic set in when I think about what I might do when there are no kids left at home to take care of. There are definitely some things I am interested in, though, and I wonder if perhaps I might be able to pursue them. For example, I love photography. I also love to write. I could see myself working in a library or, even better, an elementary school library. I could pursue a MN teaching license since my NY license means nothing here but I don't see myself teaching in public schools. A Christian school would be awesome though! Of course my ultimate dream is to own a bakery but that would take funds I do not have. Perhaps working in a bakery?

I don't know the future but I know God promises to have a future planned for me both on earth and in heaven.

The dog days of summer

If you know me at all, you know I am not a fan of summer. I enjoy the break from school for a bit and the freedom to read and bake, but I do not enjoy the heat, constant sunshine and humidity. While I am very thankful for air conditioning, I miss having fresh air blowing through the house. This feeling of blah-ness usually sets in during July and this year is no different. July is a lot like January...long and stuck indoors. The only difference is it is too hot to do anything outdoors instead of too cold. I am sure when school starts again, I will long for the relaxing days of summer gone by.

How does this happen?

I always wanted kids...lots of kids. As it happened, we stopped at four. Twenty years after the first was born, I am glad I did. I am not a very good mom apparently. I have raised a child who apparently has no regard for the feelings of others most of the time. Which of my offspring I am referring to will rename nameless simply to protect others around us as well as the individual from judgement. I will even refrain from using a gender that may give it away. What bothers me the most is I thought I had taught all of them to think...to consider everything before jumping in with both feet. Apparently I have failed. What could be next in this child's line of mistakes and who else might suffer at his/her hands? I don't want to stick around and find out to be honest. If there is a way to detach myself from parenting, I must find it soon.

Warning: Changes Ahead--Prepare to Brake

I have never been one who is fond of change. In fact, I dislike it very much. I know change is inevitable and you would think I would be used to it after my 40+ years on earth. But I am not.

Now, more changes are coming and they are coming way too fast for me. I was just getting used to Miss Musicwriter being an adult and on her own most of the time. Now, Mr. Well Rounded is exerting his desire for more independence. Even Miss Bookworm is gone tonight to a bonfire at a friend's house. This is leaving me with a very eerie feeling...one I do not like in the least.

Can I just run away? Please?

What happened to summer vacation?

What happened to summer vacation? Based on the blog updates I have been getting, the concept of summer vacation is as outdated as parachute pants! Why? And when did this change take place?

I realized it fully this past week as I began to read some of the blog updates in my reader. I started to see a theme--a question posed in many of these blogs. That question asked, "What are you planning to do to keep your kids busy this summer?" Excuse me? Did that really read, "keep my kids busy this summer"? As I read blogs and responses to blogs, I started to realize that, apparently, kids do not actually GET a summer vacation anymore. Oh, school is done and homework is non existent, but it seems parents feel the need to plan every minute of their child's summer to ensure their offspring are not bored. What is wrong with boredom?

Thirty some years ago (this makes me sound very old) I was a child. I was blessed to live in a great neighborhood with several other kids close to my age. None of them were exactly my age, but we were all within 2-4 years of each other. All of our moms stayed home. When summer came we played outside...all day, everyday. It was an unspoken rule among all the moms that indoors was off limits. If it happened to rain, we all went into one of our garages to play or to our own homes to wait out the weather. We all had pools and we would spend our days going from one pool to the next to the next. My neighbor across the street, Vinny, he had the best pool. He was the only one with an inground pool and a diving board. Eventually they added a water slide as well. The only problem with Vinny's yard was that he had big scary dogs. We dealt with it though. If we got tired of swimming, we rode our bikes, roller skated, played tennis in the street, or just sat on the lawn and talked. We made forts out of cardboard boxes. We played at the hill. Oh, the tales we came up with for the big, smooth rock that no one could move at the bottom of the hill. We would look for tadpoles in the pond at the bottom of the hill. We would wait for Mr. Softy to come so we could buy ice cream. I sure loved to hear the music of his truck. I always hoped he wouldn't come right at dinner time! We didn't dare tell our parents we were bored. That would get us hard labor in a heartbeat!

Fast forward to today. Today's children get done with school and then start summer school. Now, summer school when I was growing up was a bad thing. It meant you didn't pass your grade and needed to catch up. Now, they don't call it summer school where I live. It is called summer sun block...a block of fun classes held throughout the day so mom doesn't have to deal with the kids at home during summer "vacation". Maybe it is just me, but when our school year ended, the last place I would have wanted to go to in July was school! And I loved school for the most part! Moms fret about planning play dates and all sorts of things to keep their kids busy. I am not saying parents shouldn't do things with their kids. I think that is a good thing, but to micromanage every day so kids are just as busy over the summer as they are during the school year is not doing their children any favors. Boredom causes resourcefulness. It makes a kid be creative and come up with something to entertain them. And before you say that bored kids entertain themselves by getting trouble, remember that usually happens because parents have not been around to teach their children what it means to be respectful of others and their property. We were bored at times but we knew better than to go beat someone's mailbox with a baseball bat.

Summer vacation should be just that--vacation. Time for kids and parents to relax and be creative, spend time together just hanging out as a family, and getting to know others around you. Children who are constantly entertained grow up to be adults who need to be constantly entertained and lack the resourcefulness to find healthy means of entertainment. It can lead to over spending, over eating and a host of other issues in their adult lives. Take back summer vacation and do your kids a favor!