Times have sure changed. Of course, change is inevitable. I once read that the only thing predictable about change is that change will happen. It can be seen on earth, in nature, technology and countless other visible testaments that surround us. Some changes are lauded as good. Modern medicine, for example, now has answers to diseases that, one hundred years ago, would have been a certain death sentence. Other changes are criticized as being detrimental. Technological advances that have led to identity theft comes to mind. One change included on the list of detriments would have to be society's increasing love affair with television.
As recently as fifty years ago, television was considered by the majority of Americans to be a treat--something that was not necessarily found in all households and was turned on for a specific purpose such as a favorite show or the local news. There were just a few channels from which to choose and often picture quality depended on the weather. Eating family dinners and family interaction time came before television viewing. How times have changed.
In present day America, with few exceptions, all families have televisions. In fact, families now often have several of these black boxes located throughout their homes. The living room boasts a large screen; the family room sports a flat screen; bedrooms, once a sacred place for privacy and imagination, have now succumbed to the lure of the ever present television set. Some people even have a set in the bathroom! Many kitchens have television sets--after all, if a modern wife has to spend time in the kitchen at all, at least she can watch her favorite talk show. Children as young as four years old have not only a television in their rooms, but a DVD player as well.
Now, before anyone labels me as old fashioned ( a label I actually find complimentary) and legalistic, we do have television sets in our home. This is not by my choice, though, and I would prefer to not have any. Walk into any room that holds a television in a modern American home and you will notice a common factor--the furniture is situated in such a way that it all faces the television set. In times past, the family was the center of the home. That has now been replaced by the lure of the glowing black box. We are provided instant entertainment--movies, sports and the newest passion, reality TV--all at the touch of a button. We can flip through 300+ channels without leaving our seat. While some of this is not a problem in and of itself, the concept behind this addiction to television is loaded with issues.
Millions of dollars are spent in this country on advertising. When a family sits down to catch this week's episode of "The Amazing Race", their home is opened to advertisers competing for their dollars. The Travelocity gnome is searching for a good deal on a vacation and it can only be found by booking with Travelocity. This seems harmless and it truly is--this particular ad. Countless others, though, expose our children and ourselves to alcohol commercials, lingerie commercials (complete with scantily clad women to catch the eyes of the male viewers), commercials for enhancing the size and performance of men during sex, fast food commercials (there is that instant gratification again) and others which I am embarrassed to describe (GoDaddy comes to mind). Thirty years ago, these commercials would not have been given air time nor would families have watched if they were. Now, we view them with our children sitting with us and think nothing of it. Or maybe we do squirm a bit but reason that the advertisement will be over soon and we can get back to watching a show about murdered police (complete with graphics) or the lives of two gay men who adopt a child. Complacency has set in and the television has become an idol worshipped by many families and deemed a necessity in our homes.
In addition to those issues already mentioned, another result of our television idolatry is the disconnect of the family. Dad watches "Law and Order" in the living room, Johnny watches "Phineas and Ferb" in his room, Sally is watching the new "Wizards of Waverly Place" in her room and mom is catching up with the Duggar Family while washing the dinner dishes. The hours from supper to bedtime, once spent talking or playing Scrabble, are now spent separated by walls and doors, the room's inhabitants staring mindlessly at the glowing black box. Sadly, in my home, if the hours spent watching television were compared to the hours spent reading the Bible or some other book, I would be embarrassed to see the comparison. I believe God was serious when he told the Israelites to have no other god before him. This commandment is just as applicable to our lives today as it was to God's chosen ones thousands of years ago. We are similar to this people group in that we make excuses for what we do. "I am tired after working all day and deserve a little me time in front of the tv." or "I can't think straight after a long day to read to you." We need to own up and call this what it is--sin--and confess, repent and turn from it.
To be clear, watching television is not a sin; however, being so addicted to it that we choose it over our relationships with family, friends and God IS a sin. The glowing box has an off button. With a little practice, we can all learn to push it. The more we do that, the easier it will get.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Frugality
Frugality--Webster defines it as "economical in use or expenditure; prudently saving or sparing; not wasteful." I have pondered not just the term but also the lifestyle for quite some time now. I believe with all my heart it is the better way to live. The issue then becomes, exactly how does "living frugally" look to those around me...and to me.
At first I thought living frugally, or living simply, meant denying myself of all things extra. If my shoes had no tread on the bottom (which they do not) but have no holes in them, then they do not need to be replaced. My daughter disagrees vehemently with this by the way. She has been pressuring me for months to buy a new pair of shoes.
"Why?" I ask her. "There is nothing wrong with these."
"Mom," she replies, "If it is raining you almost fall. There is nothing left on the bottom of those shoes. Do you feel me pushing on the sole?"
"They keep my feet dry. That is all that matters."
I still believe my shoes are fine.
Does living frugally mean eating beans and rice and very little meat to not spend as much money? I already do that so if that is part of the concept, I must be on the right track. Or maybe living frugally means making everything from scratch or never eating/ordering out.
Does living frugally mean I tell my son "No" to ALL those extra activities he feels he needs to do. So far this school year we have paid the theater department $210 for his participation in 2 productions; we have paid an audition fee of $20 for All State choir; we have paid over $50 for honor choirs for which he applied and was accepted; we have paid a fee of $20 for tux rental for band; yearbooks will cost over $60; prom will cost close to $100; we have not paid yet but will be required to soon at least $600 for his participation in the exclusive music training program at Macphail in Minneapolis; voice lessons so far for just him have totaled over $200 since July. Come this summer there will be Lone Tree again plus a host of other expenses that come along with having a 17 year old son...who by the way, is so busy with his activities he cannot find time to get or work a job. If I bring this subject up he responds by asking if he should drop leading worship on Wednesdays or Sundays. He knows where to hit. What about the other kids? How do they factor into this? Mr. Gameboy is pretty self sufficient at 20 years old so he doesn't really. But the others still do.
God promises to supply all our needs...not our wants. Do we have a part in this at all? Are we supposed to live frugally in order for God to bless us? I tend to think yes simply because the book of Proverbs has so many verses on money and being wise in our stewardship of it. How, though, after so many years of waste, do we redeem what the "locusts" ate--that is, how do we start anew, the right way, after having spoiled our kids for so long? That is something I certainly do not have an answer to...at least not without a wave of guilt splashing over me.
At first I thought living frugally, or living simply, meant denying myself of all things extra. If my shoes had no tread on the bottom (which they do not) but have no holes in them, then they do not need to be replaced. My daughter disagrees vehemently with this by the way. She has been pressuring me for months to buy a new pair of shoes.
"Why?" I ask her. "There is nothing wrong with these."
"Mom," she replies, "If it is raining you almost fall. There is nothing left on the bottom of those shoes. Do you feel me pushing on the sole?"
"They keep my feet dry. That is all that matters."
I still believe my shoes are fine.
Does living frugally mean eating beans and rice and very little meat to not spend as much money? I already do that so if that is part of the concept, I must be on the right track. Or maybe living frugally means making everything from scratch or never eating/ordering out.
Does living frugally mean I tell my son "No" to ALL those extra activities he feels he needs to do. So far this school year we have paid the theater department $210 for his participation in 2 productions; we have paid an audition fee of $20 for All State choir; we have paid over $50 for honor choirs for which he applied and was accepted; we have paid a fee of $20 for tux rental for band; yearbooks will cost over $60; prom will cost close to $100; we have not paid yet but will be required to soon at least $600 for his participation in the exclusive music training program at Macphail in Minneapolis; voice lessons so far for just him have totaled over $200 since July. Come this summer there will be Lone Tree again plus a host of other expenses that come along with having a 17 year old son...who by the way, is so busy with his activities he cannot find time to get or work a job. If I bring this subject up he responds by asking if he should drop leading worship on Wednesdays or Sundays. He knows where to hit. What about the other kids? How do they factor into this? Mr. Gameboy is pretty self sufficient at 20 years old so he doesn't really. But the others still do.
God promises to supply all our needs...not our wants. Do we have a part in this at all? Are we supposed to live frugally in order for God to bless us? I tend to think yes simply because the book of Proverbs has so many verses on money and being wise in our stewardship of it. How, though, after so many years of waste, do we redeem what the "locusts" ate--that is, how do we start anew, the right way, after having spoiled our kids for so long? That is something I certainly do not have an answer to...at least not without a wave of guilt splashing over me.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
a debate
A little over a month ago now, a very good friend of mine, a fellow believer, a sister in Christ, became upset with some of my beliefs of the Bible. The issue stemmed from a comment I had made about my back pain. My back pain is caused from a car accident three years ago. I have had several procedures to try to relieve some of the pain but none has worked. My friend encouraged me to go to a woman pastor who claims to have the gift of healing. My response was that while I believe God can heal and occasionally does heal, I didn;t believe that going to a "healer" was the answer. She did not take kindly to my response and some e-mails were exchanged on the topic. I finally decided to drop the subkect--she would not be swayed nor would I. A friend and mentor agreed that this was the best thing to do. Yet, in the weeks that have followed, I have thought often about the issue and have been digging through the Bible as well as archives of good teachers of the Word to enlighten me on the subject. Here is what I have found.
John Macarthur, on his websire Grace to you, has an article on the gifts mentioned in the New testament. He categorizes the gits into two categories--permanent and temporary.
The permanent gifts were those that were used to build up the body of Christ. These gifts are still in existence today. I, however, want to focus on what Macarthur refers to as the temporary gifts. These gifts were given as temporary, and were designed to confirm the words of the apostles and prophets and ceased when their offices ceased.
The temporary gifts are the gifts of miracles, healing and tongues. These were gifts designed for the apostles to use so those they preached to would have physical evidence that they were telling the truth. The New Testament was not written yet so they did not have the Bible for authority...therefore, the apostles needed these things to prove they were legitimately from Christ. Hebrews 2: 3-4 is a reference for this--“How shall we escape, if we neglect so great salvation, which at the first began to be spoken by the Lord, and was confirmed unto us by them that heard Him (the apostles), God also bearing them (the apostles) witness, both with signs and wonders, and with diverse miracles and gifts of the Holy Spirit.“ Certain gifts of the Spirit were specifically for the apostles, for the purpose of confirming the Word and establishing its veracity in the minds of people who had no other standard. There was no written Word of God. The standard of the New Testament was not yet in existence, so signs became the confirmation of the Word.
In the early church, the sign gifts were a necessary adjunct to the preaching and teaching of the apostles and early prophets. In fact, there is no indication anywhere in the New Testament that anybody had these gifts other than by the laying on of hands by the apostles. It was a direct ministry geared to the apostles and the initial prophets of the early church. B. B. Warfield says, “These miraculous gifts were part of the credentials of the Apostles, as the authoritative agents of God in founding the church. Their function thus confines them to distinctly the Apostolic church and they necessarily passed away with it."
The church today no longer needs the confirmation that the early church once needed. We do not need miracles as a standard by which we verify somebody’s declaration. We don’t need somebody to stand up and preach, then do a miracle so we will know he is telling the truth. We have another standard--the Word of God. When someone preaches, we can match him to the Word of God. If he does not stand that test, we know that he is not a true teacher, but a false one. We do not need confirming miracles because the Bible is our confirmation.
In Luke 16:31, Abraham told the rich man in Hades, “If they hear not Moses and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded, though one rose from the dead.“ If the Word of God isn’t sufficient, miracles won’t change a person’s mind. Now that Scripture is complete, it is to be our standard. So, confirming miracles are irrelevant, immaterial, and extraneous.
The New Testament writers knew that the spiritual gift of healing was coming to an end. Even in the latter years of the apostles ministry this gift began to disappear - people who were sick stayed sick!
1) God refused to heal Paul (2 Cor. 12:7-10).
2) Timothy was sick with a probable ulcer (1 Tim. 5:23). Did Paul tell Timothy to go find someone with the gift of healing? No. He told him to “take a little wine for thy stomach’s sake.“ In other words, medicine was on its way in and the gift of healing on its way out.
3) Paul left Trophimus sick at Miletus (2 Tim. 4:20). If Paul had the gift of healing (he had healed previously), would he not have exercise it on behalf of Trophimus?
4) James said to pray for the sick (James 5:13). The book of James was written long before 1 Corinthians. Do you know what he said to do when someone was sick? He didn’t say, “Find the person with the gift of healing.“ Rather James said, “is any among you afflicted? Let him pray.. Is any sick among you? Let him call or the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord; and the prayer of faith shall save the sick“ (Js. 5:13-15). Before 1 Corinthians was ever written, James knew that in years to come, the apostolic gift of healing would be nonexistent. The wisest counsel he could give the church was to seek, by faith, the healing that God offers.
Macarthur also writes about tongues and why the tongues movement today is a false doctrine. That is another issue and one I won't go into in ths entry. I have learned much in my study on healing. I believe that God CAN heal and sometimes God DOES heal but I do not believe we are all entitled to be healed on earth simply because we are Christians. As Pastor Taylor told me one day at church in discussing my back, "Sometimes it is not healing God provides but rather the grace to withstand the ailment. Sometimes that is healing in itself."
John Macarthur, on his websire Grace to you, has an article on the gifts mentioned in the New testament. He categorizes the gits into two categories--permanent and temporary.
The permanent gifts were those that were used to build up the body of Christ. These gifts are still in existence today. I, however, want to focus on what Macarthur refers to as the temporary gifts. These gifts were given as temporary, and were designed to confirm the words of the apostles and prophets and ceased when their offices ceased.
The temporary gifts are the gifts of miracles, healing and tongues. These were gifts designed for the apostles to use so those they preached to would have physical evidence that they were telling the truth. The New Testament was not written yet so they did not have the Bible for authority...therefore, the apostles needed these things to prove they were legitimately from Christ. Hebrews 2: 3-4 is a reference for this--“How shall we escape, if we neglect so great salvation, which at the first began to be spoken by the Lord, and was confirmed unto us by them that heard Him (the apostles), God also bearing them (the apostles) witness, both with signs and wonders, and with diverse miracles and gifts of the Holy Spirit.“ Certain gifts of the Spirit were specifically for the apostles, for the purpose of confirming the Word and establishing its veracity in the minds of people who had no other standard. There was no written Word of God. The standard of the New Testament was not yet in existence, so signs became the confirmation of the Word.
In the early church, the sign gifts were a necessary adjunct to the preaching and teaching of the apostles and early prophets. In fact, there is no indication anywhere in the New Testament that anybody had these gifts other than by the laying on of hands by the apostles. It was a direct ministry geared to the apostles and the initial prophets of the early church. B. B. Warfield says, “These miraculous gifts were part of the credentials of the Apostles, as the authoritative agents of God in founding the church. Their function thus confines them to distinctly the Apostolic church and they necessarily passed away with it."
The church today no longer needs the confirmation that the early church once needed. We do not need miracles as a standard by which we verify somebody’s declaration. We don’t need somebody to stand up and preach, then do a miracle so we will know he is telling the truth. We have another standard--the Word of God. When someone preaches, we can match him to the Word of God. If he does not stand that test, we know that he is not a true teacher, but a false one. We do not need confirming miracles because the Bible is our confirmation.
In Luke 16:31, Abraham told the rich man in Hades, “If they hear not Moses and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded, though one rose from the dead.“ If the Word of God isn’t sufficient, miracles won’t change a person’s mind. Now that Scripture is complete, it is to be our standard. So, confirming miracles are irrelevant, immaterial, and extraneous.
The New Testament writers knew that the spiritual gift of healing was coming to an end. Even in the latter years of the apostles ministry this gift began to disappear - people who were sick stayed sick!
1) God refused to heal Paul (2 Cor. 12:7-10).
2) Timothy was sick with a probable ulcer (1 Tim. 5:23). Did Paul tell Timothy to go find someone with the gift of healing? No. He told him to “take a little wine for thy stomach’s sake.“ In other words, medicine was on its way in and the gift of healing on its way out.
3) Paul left Trophimus sick at Miletus (2 Tim. 4:20). If Paul had the gift of healing (he had healed previously), would he not have exercise it on behalf of Trophimus?
4) James said to pray for the sick (James 5:13). The book of James was written long before 1 Corinthians. Do you know what he said to do when someone was sick? He didn’t say, “Find the person with the gift of healing.“ Rather James said, “is any among you afflicted? Let him pray.. Is any sick among you? Let him call or the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord; and the prayer of faith shall save the sick“ (Js. 5:13-15). Before 1 Corinthians was ever written, James knew that in years to come, the apostolic gift of healing would be nonexistent. The wisest counsel he could give the church was to seek, by faith, the healing that God offers.
Macarthur also writes about tongues and why the tongues movement today is a false doctrine. That is another issue and one I won't go into in ths entry. I have learned much in my study on healing. I believe that God CAN heal and sometimes God DOES heal but I do not believe we are all entitled to be healed on earth simply because we are Christians. As Pastor Taylor told me one day at church in discussing my back, "Sometimes it is not healing God provides but rather the grace to withstand the ailment. Sometimes that is healing in itself."
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
meanderings
I haven't written in a bit. My emotions have been like a pendulum...swinging high and happy one hour then back to low and depressed the next hour. I can't figure it out but I know it has been difficult to live this way...especially at Christmas.
Speaking of Christmas, well, let's say this is the first time I can ever remember that I was looking forward to it being over. The gifts were scarce this year. Each of the kids had a few and a couple of them got the one thing they had asked for, but there were other things I so longed to purchase that I just could not...and for me, that was painful. To make things more difficult, these weren't things that were just whims for wants...they were needed things like reeds for instruments and books for study. DH and I exchanged no gifts at all...not even small stocking things. That was very depressing as well. By Christmas night I was teary-eyed and sad. I have already taken down the tree and the majority of the decorations. This is unusual for me but I felt no joy at having them remain up.
Miss Musicwriter has been home on break and this has been a source of pain as well. She actually does not like coming home very much and that cuts deeply. I understand her feelings and why she doesn't want to be here but that doesn't make it hurt any less. To make it more difficult, we have had no money at all so I can't even take her out and do things with her.
The whole money issue is overwhelming me to the point of tears and panic right now. We have a list of items that need to be paid and there is no way we will have the money to pay them. There are still school fees for Mr. Well-Rounded that I have not yet paid that will soon become an issue. There are bills that need to be taken care of and groceries that need to be bought. I cannot remember the last time the freezers were this empty. I took inventory today and we are down to 10 pounds of ground beef, a turkey and a spiral ham. That's it. I am hoping tonight to find some recipes that will be good for the ground beef...besides meatloaf which only DH and myself will eat.
So, 2009, I bid you farewell. You have not been good to me in most ways. In fact, when I look back, I can only find a few happy events but many, many sad ones. I no longer look forward to a new year...I am hoping that reverse psychology will work here--meaning, if I don;t look forward to it, then nothing bad will happen and maybe even some good things will come out of it.
Speaking of Christmas, well, let's say this is the first time I can ever remember that I was looking forward to it being over. The gifts were scarce this year. Each of the kids had a few and a couple of them got the one thing they had asked for, but there were other things I so longed to purchase that I just could not...and for me, that was painful. To make things more difficult, these weren't things that were just whims for wants...they were needed things like reeds for instruments and books for study. DH and I exchanged no gifts at all...not even small stocking things. That was very depressing as well. By Christmas night I was teary-eyed and sad. I have already taken down the tree and the majority of the decorations. This is unusual for me but I felt no joy at having them remain up.
Miss Musicwriter has been home on break and this has been a source of pain as well. She actually does not like coming home very much and that cuts deeply. I understand her feelings and why she doesn't want to be here but that doesn't make it hurt any less. To make it more difficult, we have had no money at all so I can't even take her out and do things with her.
The whole money issue is overwhelming me to the point of tears and panic right now. We have a list of items that need to be paid and there is no way we will have the money to pay them. There are still school fees for Mr. Well-Rounded that I have not yet paid that will soon become an issue. There are bills that need to be taken care of and groceries that need to be bought. I cannot remember the last time the freezers were this empty. I took inventory today and we are down to 10 pounds of ground beef, a turkey and a spiral ham. That's it. I am hoping tonight to find some recipes that will be good for the ground beef...besides meatloaf which only DH and myself will eat.
So, 2009, I bid you farewell. You have not been good to me in most ways. In fact, when I look back, I can only find a few happy events but many, many sad ones. I no longer look forward to a new year...I am hoping that reverse psychology will work here--meaning, if I don;t look forward to it, then nothing bad will happen and maybe even some good things will come out of it.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Pondering Christmas
It is that time of year again. It has been for some time I guess. The time of year when television commercials turn to toys and luxury cars with big red bows on the top, of red and green M&M's and alcohol for party mixers. Sales abound at nearly every store. Some of the deals are very difficult to pass up. Yet, passed up they will be, at least by this blogger. Our financial woes have continued and maybe even worsened so there is preciosu little money for extras. While I never considered Christmas to be an "extra", Mr. Accountant does. I have avoided going out as much as possible since being in the stores and seeing all the Christmas stuff puts me in the mood to buy. Christmas for me is not about getting. Yes, when I was a younger child and teen, that was first and foremost on my mind. My mom made sure that every wish and whim was granted on that magical morning. I remember having so many presents piled under the tree for my brother and me that we had nowehere to even sit to open them all. I did the same thing for my kids; after all, it was all I knew. Even in past years of financial hardship, we always spent more on Christmas than we should and we always bought things that weren't necessarily needed. I justified it as being necessary--it was Christmas and kids need a big, magical day they would always remember. This year, though, there is no way to do this. There are no credit cards, no savings account, no 401k to borrow from. There is barely money to buy groceries. Of course our kids aren't little anymore. They should understand, and maybe they do (although I have my doubts), but I don't want to understand it. Even though I know Christmas isn't supposed to be about the gifts, it has always been and my heart is breaking that this year I cannot go out and buy and give.
Yet, in my sadness and sense of loss over what has always been my favorite season, I wonder if this is a lesson that God has been trying to teach me for a long time. Could it be that so many of my new blog-world friends are writing about simple, homemade Christmases by happenstance? Could it be God is showing me, again, that we are blessed beyond so many in this world. We have a home, we have heat (this comes in handy on this -7 degree day), we have two running automobiles--not new by any means, but running. Mr. Accountant has a job this Christmas. We have food and hopefully will be able to have a special holiday meal. We will all be together this Christmas (assuming Miss Musicwriter does not get stuck at school due to weather). In fact, when I asked the kids at home still what they wanted for Christmas, Mr. Well Rounded said the only thing he wants is for Miss Musicwriter to be home and not stuck at school. That made me feel warm and fuzzy--for a little bit anyway. Then the commercials and advertisements online and in my e-mail box came again, jarring me back to harsh reality. Would they really be happy with a simple Christmas? Maybe I should say WILL they be? Because, most likely, that is what we are going to end up with despite my not being very happy about it.
Yet, in my sadness and sense of loss over what has always been my favorite season, I wonder if this is a lesson that God has been trying to teach me for a long time. Could it be that so many of my new blog-world friends are writing about simple, homemade Christmases by happenstance? Could it be God is showing me, again, that we are blessed beyond so many in this world. We have a home, we have heat (this comes in handy on this -7 degree day), we have two running automobiles--not new by any means, but running. Mr. Accountant has a job this Christmas. We have food and hopefully will be able to have a special holiday meal. We will all be together this Christmas (assuming Miss Musicwriter does not get stuck at school due to weather). In fact, when I asked the kids at home still what they wanted for Christmas, Mr. Well Rounded said the only thing he wants is for Miss Musicwriter to be home and not stuck at school. That made me feel warm and fuzzy--for a little bit anyway. Then the commercials and advertisements online and in my e-mail box came again, jarring me back to harsh reality. Would they really be happy with a simple Christmas? Maybe I should say WILL they be? Because, most likely, that is what we are going to end up with despite my not being very happy about it.
Friday, November 27, 2009
A Fork in the Road
I have reached a fork in the road. I have been here before of this I am sure. Perhaps my wanderings have not gotten me further down the path at all, but rather, I fear I have been wandering in a large circle getting nowhere in my journey. If history is any indication, this fork will be problematic for me. I have chosen the wrong way again and again. Perhaps that is why I am stuck wandering in the same place. The problem is, I don't seem to remember which ways I have walked so as not to walk them again. I know that one path will lead to sure destruction, for I have chosen that path before. I have the scars to prove this fact. Did I miss something somewhere? A sign that would point me in the right direction? A detour that I should have taken and did not? This journey is frustrating me, for perhaps, this is a different fork in a different road. I guess it matters not where it is, but it matters very much which way I decide to go. My red flags of warning have already been raised within my spirit and now I have to choose to listen to them. If I make this choice, I am left wondering if God even sees, let alone cares, about me. I have lived this way for so long perhaps I am used to it. Yet, I now find myself questioning why God chooses to turn his back on me over and over again. He no longer answers prayers that I cry from my lips. I no longer sense his presence in any aspect of my life. There has been hurt after hurt and disappointment after disappointment for what seems like an eternity. I have heard that if God seems far away that he is not the one that moved. I disagree. I have been seeking and searching earmestly for the last two months and I am still stuck in thick mud and mire. Hence my fork in the road. I know I now need to make a choice. I can choose to continue the path I believe to be the right one and hope that at some point God shows himself to me and lets me know he is there with me. I can also choose to give up this frustrating search for God in my life. To say, along with so many others, that God cares not for me or my troubles and that the idea of a loving God is a nice one to think about but it just isn't true. I am scared of the choice I may make. I feel like I lose either way.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
not getting it
I am defnitely not getting it. The "it" I am referring to is whatever lesson God is trying to teach me in this season. I have submitted to Him in as much as I know for sure what He has asked of me. I homeschool a child who is very difficult to teach. I homeschooled another who was the same way. I homeschooled the middle two when it became clear that their bright minds and love of learning was being squelched. I have given the desire for a new vehicle to God and today even found myself thanking Him for the old van I drive. I stay home as much as possible so as not to spend money we shouldn't. I prepare meals--a chore I am not very fond of at all. Why, then, has God still forsaken us in this area? Why do we never have enough to cover the things that need to be paid? To buy groceries? To get birthday gifts or Christmas gifts? To cover the cost of school fees for activities? Why has God chosen to make us miserable in this area over and over again? Could he possibly be telling me that I shouldn't be homeschooling this daughter? Should she be in school and I at a job? How would that even work then? I am frustrated beyond all belief. I feel abandoned by God, yet somewhere deep within me I know that is just a feeling and should not be trusted. I feel so alone as well...I cannot give into these feelings.
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