A Fork in the Road

I have reached a fork in the road. I have been here before of this I am sure. Perhaps my wanderings have not gotten me further down the path at all, but rather, I fear I have been wandering in a large circle getting nowhere in my journey. If history is any indication, this fork will be problematic for me. I have chosen the wrong way again and again. Perhaps that is why I am stuck wandering in the same place. The problem is, I don't seem to remember which ways I have walked so as not to walk them again. I know that one path will lead to sure destruction, for I have chosen that path before. I have the scars to prove this fact. Did I miss something somewhere? A sign that would point me in the right direction? A detour that I should have taken and did not? This journey is frustrating me, for perhaps, this is a different fork in a different road. I guess it matters not where it is, but it matters very much which way I decide to go. My red flags of warning have already been raised within my spirit and now I have to choose to listen to them. If I make this choice, I am left wondering if God even sees, let alone cares, about me. I have lived this way for so long perhaps I am used to it. Yet, I now find myself questioning why God chooses to turn his back on me over and over again. He no longer answers prayers that I cry from my lips. I no longer sense his presence in any aspect of my life. There has been hurt after hurt and disappointment after disappointment for what seems like an eternity. I have heard that if God seems far away that he is not the one that moved. I disagree. I have been seeking and searching earmestly for the last two months and I am still stuck in thick mud and mire. Hence my fork in the road. I know I now need to make a choice. I can choose to continue the path I believe to be the right one and hope that at some point God shows himself to me and lets me know he is there with me. I can also choose to give up this frustrating search for God in my life. To say, along with so many others, that God cares not for me or my troubles and that the idea of a loving God is a nice one to think about but it just isn't true. I am scared of the choice I may make. I feel like I lose either way.