meanderings

I haven't written in a bit. My emotions have been like a pendulum...swinging high and happy one hour then back to low and depressed the next hour. I can't figure it out but I know it has been difficult to live this way...especially at Christmas.

Speaking of Christmas, well, let's say this is the first time I can ever remember that I was looking forward to it being over. The gifts were scarce this year. Each of the kids had a few and a couple of them got the one thing they had asked for, but there were other things I so longed to purchase that I just could not...and for me, that was painful. To make things more difficult, these weren't things that were just whims for wants...they were needed things like reeds for instruments and books for study. DH and I exchanged no gifts at all...not even small stocking things. That was very depressing as well. By Christmas night I was teary-eyed and sad. I have already taken down the tree and the majority of the decorations. This is unusual for me but I felt no joy at having them remain up.

Miss Musicwriter has been home on break and this has been a source of pain as well. She actually does not like coming home very much and that cuts deeply. I understand her feelings and why she doesn't want to be here but that doesn't make it hurt any less. To make it more difficult, we have had no money at all so I can't even take her out and do things with her.

The whole money issue is overwhelming me to the point of tears and panic right now. We have a list of items that need to be paid and there is no way we will have the money to pay them. There are still school fees for Mr. Well-Rounded that I have not yet paid that will soon become an issue. There are bills that need to be taken care of and groceries that need to be bought. I cannot remember the last time the freezers were this empty. I took inventory today and we are down to 10 pounds of ground beef, a turkey and a spiral ham. That's it. I am hoping tonight to find some recipes that will be good for the ground beef...besides meatloaf which only DH and myself will eat.

So, 2009, I bid you farewell. You have not been good to me in most ways. In fact, when I look back, I can only find a few happy events but many, many sad ones. I no longer look forward to a new year...I am hoping that reverse psychology will work here--meaning, if I don;t look forward to it, then nothing bad will happen and maybe even some good things will come out of it.