reaping

There is so much going on in my life right now. I am feeling the need to step back...to pull away from life for a bit and to organize my thoughts and priorities. Unfortunately, I cannot do this. I still have a family who cannot function on their own. I don't get this. I am my parents' youngest child. By the time I was fourtenn, the age of my youngest child now, I was able to do things for myself. I did not need reminding to do homework and actually turn it in, to fix a lunch if I was hungry, or the host of other things it seems my children cannot do for themselves. In fact, the most dependent soul my mom had to deal with was my dad. He was, it seemed, unable to do the easiest things for himself. My husband is a lot like this as well, but I have the addition of 3 kids (Miss Musicwriter is away at college), a dog and a cat. Sometimes the demands on me get so overwhelming, especially when someone needs to yell at someone else and I am always the one chosen...regardless if I had anything to do with it or not. At times like this, and this is one of them, discouragement runs very high. I want so badly to run away and just be by myself for a while. Oh, but I cannot. I need to stay and tend to this dependent group that I have created. Maybe that is what is really bothering me---I have created this mess myself by indulging them their whole lives. I guess I am reaping what I have sown in many ways. In the meantime, I count my blessings that they are healthy and intelligent enough to someday learn that it isn't all about them...yes, even my husband could stand to learn this lesson. Soon, I hope. I never said patience was my gift.

mediocrity

As I spend more time reflecting on things of God and looking around me for examples of Him, I am finding myself bothered more and more with the mediocrity of Christians around me. As my eyes are opened to the world around me and I see how Christians, especially young people, are acting, dressing, talking and striving to fit in with their non-Christian peers, I find myself getting more and more frustrated with the mediocre and lukewarm attitudes and actions that pervade the Christian community today. One book I highly recommend is Crazy Love by Francis Chan. This book was the catalyst that began to open my eyes to the laid back lifestyle that Christians today live. I am on a search for a different life--a life truly set apart for God. What will that radical change look like in my life? I am not sure myself yet, but I know that God has me on a canvas and he is transforming the picture even as I type. I am excited to see the finished portrait!

blogging again

It has been a very busy fall season, but for the most part I have enjoyed it. I was feeling a little apple deprived since we haven't had much money to spend on such things. Then, a friend of mine told me of a friend she has who has apple trees on her property. She was willing to allow us to pick as many as we wanted for free. Beth, another friend of hers and myself spent a couple hours on a beautiful fall afternoon picking lots of apples. I estimate I got about 4 bushels of apples...maybe more. Miss Bookworm and I have spent a few days turning many of them into applesauce and I have also frozen 4 pies to bake later in the winter when fresh apples are unavailable. A dear friend of mine had a health scare this past week. I am so thankful to God for sparing her life. She is now home after some brain surgery and is doing amazingly well. Praise God for that! Our vehicke woes continue. We just had to put four tires on the car after Dave blew a tire one night coming home. Now, the brakes are squealing on the van...no, not just squealing, grinding loudly. My dear freind above has a husband who is mechanically inclined and he is going to look at it for us today. Again, an answer to prayer. I am starting to see that God is everywhere around me. I have always focused on the problems instead of on God and with His help, I am trying to change that. I have so much to be thankful for and I am ashamed that for so long I have taken these things for granted and whined like a spoiled brat. Forgive me Lord. In this, my favorite time of year, I plan to focus on the good things I have in my life and strive to build treasures in heaven.

Drivers, start your engines!

No, not race car driving...life racing! It seems like every year by late July I am so ready for school to start. I guess I forget how extremely crazy these days get with all the driving back and forth to various places. I do enjoy fall and the cooler weather and especially apple season, but I am not a big fan of the driving kids to and from school, church, activities and the like. I catch myself thinking that in _________ number of years I will not have kids to transport, or subjects to teach, or asmuch laundry to do, or whatever the activity/chore may be. I know I will miss these days...I already find myself wishing back those busy, high energy days gone by. Last evening, Mr. Accountant and I went to an apple orchard. There are very few orchards in our area of this state that grow Macintosh apples. These apples happen to be the favorite of everyone in this house. This particular orchard is one we frequented every weekend when our kids were all under 12 years old. I remember playing on the hay stack, taking a wagon ride, walking the wooded trail, picking apples and buying cool things from the store and snack barn. I always wanted to live in a setting like that. We stopped patronizing this orchard when they began charging simply to walk onto the grounds. While we certainly expected to pay for merchandise, fruit and wagon rides, we disagreed with paying just to walk around a trail or play on the hay, especially since we always bought something while we were there. They currently charge only on the weekends so last night we made the drive there to get freshly picked Macintosh apples, compliments of Mr. Gameboy. The memories flooded as soon as we made the turn onto the country road and into the property. Strangely, though, the haystack didn't look as big as it did years ago, the trail seemed more full of mosquitos then fun, and we probably would have looked ridiculous climbing onto a hay wagon for a ride. Time has a way of changing things that once were so familiar, but my memories are always the same...boys and girls in jeans and workboots, climbing a haystack and daring mommy to throw them off. Now, Miss Musicwriter is not even living at home, and while she loves her dorm room, I miss her tremendously. Mr. Gameboy works two jobs and has no time for hay climbing. Mr. Well Rounded is busier than I can keep up with and lately has also been quite moody and disrespectful. Miss Bookworm, well, she has grown up beyond going anywhere with us that doesn't involve taking her to a friend's house. Yet, despite the fact that all of them have grown, they still expect so much of me. I guess it is what the role of mom is made of. Now, off to work on school subjects with Miss Bookworm before taking her back to the high school for musical auditions...then pick her and Mr. Well Rounded up for a quick dinner and then to church for youth group. Let the race begin.

curve balls and other flying objects

The injection went well. As I thought, it was not as painful as the last set but nonetheless, it triggered some back pain during the actual injection which was somewhat distressing. The spinal headache that hit afterwards was awful as well as the electric type shock pain down my right hip. The facial flushing that hit the next day was embarrassing but not painful. All in all, though, it was bearable. The jury is still out as to if it helped or not. I fill out a weekly response form on Thursday. Saturday and Sunday I felt like it may actually help but then last night when I got into bed, I was inpain again. Today has been off and on pain wise. Of course, the physical back pain would be more welcome then the financial pain that hit today...the curve ball. Long story short is that we have $95 for the next two weeks to live on after a garnishment hit Mr. Accountant's paycheck today as well as some overdraft fees we messed up on. I am sick of living this life like this andknow that we need to make changes. I am willing to do so...it is he and the offspring who are not quite so ready. Our kids want to live like a two income family when we are not that. It is going to mean serious cutbacks which no one is going to be happy about, especially Mr. Well Rounded who thinks he should get to do all he wants to do and not have a job because he is too busy. He is busy and I agree that most places would probably not work around his schedule...but then he has to settle for not being involved in everything under the sun. It hurts to tell him that though. As a parent I want to give him these things and let him be a kid. But it just isn't possible. I hate that, especially when others seem to get everything without any issues. Oh well, I have shed my quota of tears for today. Unemployment this year and getting Miss Musicwriter off to college really took a toll on our finances and now we pay a high price. Again.

Tomorrow is the day

Tomorrow is the day I get my epidural steroid injection. The actual procedure doesn't sound as bad as the last diagnostic procedure I went through...not as many needle pokes at least. I am nervous for sure. I just wish there was a fix for my back. There is not, though. Joint damage is not repairable, especially once arthritis has set in. The more I think about it, though, the more I realize I can live with this. It is just pain, and while pain is not something I enjoy (I am not one of those people!), it is something I can lean on God to help me with. There are some things that I have realized, would be much worse. Losing one of my children would be much more devastating than living with pain; losing my husband would as well. Losing my freedom to homeschool Miss Bookworm would be unbearable to me. Losing the awesome relationship I have with Miss Musicwriter even while she is away at college would be much more painful than a bad back. Having Mr. Well Rounded turn his back on God would devastate me. Losing the freedom to pray and read my Bible would be a horrendous experience. Yes, I would say I am pretty lucky actually--lucky to live (for now at least) in a country where I am free to worship, pray, read and memorize God's word, homeschool and live simply on one income. Thank you God for placing me in this country, in this place for such a time as this.

no better

The aforementioned injections were painful...pain second only to that of childbirth for me. I have had several severe lacerations, a few broken bones, sprains and the like but these injections were excruciating. The frustrating thing now is that the diagnostic injections I received did not give the results the doctor had hoped for so I do not qualify for the next step he wanted to take. Part of that does not bother me at all...the next step involved burning the nerve endings in my back so my brain would not get the pain message. This just sounds like something that should not be done. Instead, the doctor wants to go forward with an epidural steroid injection. This may give me 3 months of pain relief when I will need to have another. The cycle continues basically the rest of my life. I really do not consider this a solution. I do not have the time, every 3 months, to go in for injections and then rest 12-24 hours afterwards. I cannot drive for this procedure either, which also poses a problem. My husband is not able (or maybe willing) to take off for this. That means I need to rely on a friend since my daughter is now off living in her dorm at college and my son works daily at the apple orchard. I also homeschool Miss Bookworm and cannot afford to lose days to resting from an injection that may or may not help anyway. Frustration is building with this back issue. Pain is constant and getting worse and there is basically no cure for the joint damage. That in itself is hard enough but moving Miss Musicwriter to college has also got me down. I miss her SO much...I feel like I lost my best friend. She is loving it though and for that I am thankful.